3 years later

Three years ago today I gave birth to our second precious boy, Andon Joseph. It blows my mind to think that was three years ago. At any given moment I can flashback to that early morning and my feelings (and what I remember of that day- which considering the surgery and drugs and how sick I was isn't a whole lot). I remember feeling helpless, knowing there was nothing I could do... my baby boy was already gone. I don't remember crying until much later though. Pain, surgery, and drugs will do that to you I guess. Shock maybe? I do remember telling Vanessa (as she's bawling), "It's okay, God has a plan". I'm not sure who on earth says that as they are going through the worst thing of their life, but somehow in the depths of my very being I knew it to be true. I knew that we had tried and tried and tried to get pregnant... had a miscarriage and then celebrated with joy over being pregnant with Andon. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine an ending like we got, but it really wasn't an ending was it? God was (and is) still who He says He is. I still believed that His plan was good (even if I didn't like it). It all made me hug Brycen even closer, pay attention to the little things even more than before. My own health bounced back faster than they thought and we got pregnant with Corbin about 3 1/2 months later. While we still grieved Andon (and still do every day) it gave us something to look forward to and was our ever-present reminder that God is Good... He does have a plan. Sometimes during my pregnancy with Corbin the fear of the "what ifs" was paralyzing, but I could feel His presence. I knew He already knew the ending. On A's first birthday I was anxiously expecting C's arrival. I was off work at home with Brycen that day. It just seemed surreal. Six days after A's 1st (Heavenly) birthday Corbin came out to meet us. We had an eventful dr's appt, c/s late in the evening and a short (2 day) NICU stay. I didn't want him in the NICU, but it was reassuring knowing he was being monitored and that he was okay. When we took him home my anxiety was terrible. Everyone who has had a baby knows how hormones are after giving birth add on top of that that we'd had a miscarriage 2 years before in February and buried our sweet baby just 1 year before and I was a wreck. I held him all the time, checked his temp. and made more calls to the dr., than I thought possible. I was just sure we weren't going to get to keep him either. That sounds terrible, but I was SO.ANXIOUS. I would burst into tears at the drop of a hat. It brought so many emotions up that I don't think I had let myself feel. Having a baby in my arms again was PURE.BLISS- it was what I had hoped, dreamed, and prayed for, but I was terrified. I was so protective over Corbin that I hardly let anyone (except Brycen b/c I loved watching the two together) hold him. We flew through that first year and last year when it was A's 2nd (Heavenly) birthday I was home once again (b/c Corbin was sick). Brycen and I made a cake and we had a quiet day at home. It was sad, but we were just feeling so blessed with the family that the Lord has given us we couldn't let it get us down. I don't want to feel sad every time I think of Andon. I don't know how another year has passed us by so quickly and here we are celebrating his 3rd (Heavenly) birthday. I do know that I wish I had three kiddos here on Earth. I'm feeling the loss a little more this year, reliving those moments and those feelings a little more because we just had another loss, a miscarriage a couple weeks ago. It was a surprise pregnancy, but we were excited. When we found out there was no heartbeat I was let down, but felt more peace than I have ever felt in my entire life. I can't even explain it- it was definitely a peace that surpasses all understanding. I was not expecting the Lord to take us through another loss again, but I know He has a purpose for this one as well. I always wanted a large family- I have one- most of them are just in Heaven. Three babies in Heaven within the past four years sounds crazy, even to my own ears, but it will be one big rejoicing when we get there. Through all this I cling to the fact that God IS good. I could have it so much worse. The Lord has had me witness to so many people, I'm a huge advocate for pre-eclampsia awareness and my sweet Andon has saved three other babies lives (that I know of!). That gives me goosebumps. I look at those sweet kids now and know that His life DID and still does have a purpose- whether it was the one I wanted for him or not. I'd much rather have a birthday party to plan and a three year old to chase around and more laundry and more sippy cups, but that wasn't in His plan for my life. So I choose to enjoy the sweetness of listening to Brycen tell Corbin about their brother, cherish the pictures we have, and dream of the day we will all meet again in Heaven. Three years later we still miss our sweet boy every day, but we rejoice in knowing he is with our Heavenly Father who loves him even more than we do. I could stay stuck back onto that awful time three years ago when we found out he didn't have a heartbeat, but I wouldn't be living the life God planned for me.

Three years later we praise God because He is Good. He has blessed us more than we could ever imagine.

"God, you are who you say you are
You can do what you say you can do
I am who you say I am
I can do all things through Christ
Your word is living and active in me
And I'm choosing to believe you, Lord."

Those words- those are the truth.

Happy Birthday to our sweet boy, A. We can't wait to hug you tight in Heaven someday. We love you.

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