My Boys

I don't really have anything I want to say for once... (wow, I know! haha). So I thought I would share this sweet picture of ALL of my boys! :) I can't even begin to explain how this picture pulls at my heartstrings. My heart is so full of love for these three that it could just burst!

Thought I Would Share...

I haven't been ready to do this before now, but today I feel led to share a picture of our time with Andon with all of you. Some of you already saw pictures at the memorial service, but some of you haven't and I feel very led to share our precious angel with you. I want there to be a face with his name, because no matter how short his life was, he will forever be a part of our family.

Appt. Update!

I just got home from the Dr. just wanted to let you all know that it went good! Someone must of been praying b/c I only cried a little bit when she asked me how I was! My Dr. (Dr. Melissa Reisinger at st. Mary's for those of you who have asked!) cried as well, so that made me feel better! I was able to get all my questions (well all the ones I could remember!) out very clearly. I met with her for about an hour. She honestly is the most wonderful docter, I feel very blessed to have her. My kidney and liver functions are all back to normal! yayy! that's a very good thing! My BP is still elevated, but not anything crazy anymore. She said that it's actually lower right now than it was at this point after Brycen so that was more good news. For those of you that are wondering, yes we do plan on trying again. We know there are risks, and I will see a high risk (perinatologist sp??) along with my OB next time. It is possible that I will have HELLP again, but I will be monitored very very closely the next time. We feel very lead to have another child (obviously not right now, but in the future) and we feel that the good outweighs the risk and we also believe that God will take care of us and the baby. Of course it will be very nerve wracking, at this point I don't even want to think about how nerve wracking, but with God we will attempt this again at some point. My Dr. was very supportive of this decision and talked about what the plan will be. She will be very quick to put me in the hospital next time with any sign or any seemingly small complication to be monitored. At the first sign of distress (of me or the baby) the baby would be delivered, hopefully we wont' have to deal with that though. My incision looks great, she said it is healing very fast and was very happy with it. I go back to see her in two weeks to check on my BP again and she said she will probably cut my dose in half at that time if it keeps coming down like it is. She might also do some blood work to check and make sure I wouldn't need Heparin shots next time. After that two week check up I think she said I will see her again about 2 weeks after that and then hopefully be able to come off the BP med. altogether. I love my dr. and I'm very happy with the care I'm receiving. Today gave me a sense of calming about some things in the future. I know Dr.'s don't know it all and ultimately God is the one in control though.

Going to the Dr.

This afternoon I'm headed off to the Dr's office for a check up. I think mainly to check my incision and make sure it's healing properly (it looks great, well as great as a 6 inch bikini cut can look) haha. I know she is going to ask me if I have questions, I pray I will have the clarity in that moment to ask the ones I do have. I also hope I won't be bawling the whole time. It's just when people are so nice, like my Dr. is I cry more! Lol, I've ALWAYS been like that. I know it doesn't matter if I cry, I'd just like to get my questions out clearly! Ryan can't go to my appt. with me because we refinanced our house to a much better interest rate (can I get an Amen on saving money?!) and he has to close on the house today. While I was in the hospital he got Power of Attorney for me so he could do the closing so I wouldn't have to sit for so long and sign papers... obviously I'm very grateful for that, but wish he could go with me too... My mom is picking me up and then B at pre-school and we're going to go have lunch and B has a gift card for Toys R Us, so if time allows before my appt. maybe he can go use that. I have a lot I would like to do while in Evansville, but this past weekend I tried fitting in a bunch of stuff and ended up wearing myself out... It's hard for me to remember I'm still recovering from being so sick, when I physically feel good! After today I should be able to drive again! I'm so glad about that. The past few days my blood pressure has started really staying down. My top number is now normal (running about 120), not really normal for me, but normal nonetheless! My bottom no. has gotten down to as low as 81! It's been running between 85-90 consistently though. It's still high, but way better than in the hundreds it was running sooo! Hopefully, it will go back to being completely normal here soon! Well, I better go get ready, please pray that I get only good news at the dr. today! I'll update if I find out anything important! :)

Thank you all for your continued prayers, we can feel them. LOVE YOU ALL.

Be Still

God keeps bringing one thing back to my mind... "Be still and Know that I am God". With everything in me I Know that He is God, but it is the "be still" part that I need to work on. My mind seems to go 1000 miles an hour in about 1000 different directions all day long. I think about Andon, I think if we will be able to have more kids, I think if this will happen again, I think about Heaven, I just think think think... about things I wish I didn't have to be thinking about. And always, I come back to "Be Still and Know that I am God".

Ultimately, it doesn't matter how many different things or scenarios I go over and over and over in my head, because God already knows the big picture. He already knows the whole story. He already has our lives written... He knew before we were even here. I believe this with my whole heart, sometimes though it's easier to believe then to live that out.

So... I'm trying, trying really hard to catch myself when I can't quit thinking and hoping and wishing about the past... and the future... and I'm trying really hard just to "be still...".

I know eventually that God will reveal more of His plan for my life, I'm just not very good at waiting...

Puppy

So B really wanted to keep the white puppy... come to find out the white puppy is the ONLY girl puppy and we told him he had to keep a boy... darn ;). So he decided to keep this little cutie!

Dinko (don't ask where B comes up with these names, b/c I have NO idea!)

he is the fattest of them all! (i'm talking like rolls upon rolls) this picture doesn't do him justice! the puppies are all starting to play with each other, but this little stinker is so fat he just waddles around and watches them!!

We still have at least 2 maybe 3 to give away..... any takers?!

so sad

I know so many pregnant gals... and they are all still in my prayers daily. I would never want anyone to go through what we are going through. No one should have to bury their child. While I was in the hospital another couple lost their baby as well (full term I believe). I only know this from hearing it from the nurses and the sign that was posted on their room number. My heart has been hurting for that family, that I never met, as well. Today I read on Shaya's blog that her sister lost her baby at the end of January (i'm so behind on blogging still). My heart hurts once again for her. I feel her pain. Also, my sweet friend Ali had a miscarriage and I know her heart is hurting. I can't say I know exactly what these other families are feeling b/c everyone's journey is different, but I'm sure it's some of the same feelings that we are feeling. Just about five minutes ago I received a text from my mom that a good friend of mine and friends of our family lost their baby. She was 16 weeks along. My heart is just breaking even more for this sweet family. She delivered the baby at the same hospital (Deaconess Women's Hospital) as what I did. One of the nurses that works there and that I had the privelege of being cared for by is best friends w/ my momma. She said that since I was in the hospital FIVE babies have passed away. I almost typed "five babies have been lost", BUT then I realized how wrong that sounds... b/c they aren't lost. We know that all babies go to Heaven. That's the comfort us hurting mommy's have. We (if you accept Jesus Christ as your Savior) will be able to hold our babies again. Anyway, sorry that got me off track.

I just wanted to ask you all to pray... I have felt soooo soooo soooo (and that's not an exaggeration either!) surrounded by love and prayer since we lost Andon and I want to make sure that all these hurting mom's feel that same power of prayer. It makes me feel not so alone to know that other people are going through the same thing, BUT I wish that they didn't have to feel the pain I feel in my heart knowing Andon can't ever sleep in his crib, bounce in his bouncer or be drug around by his big brother ;).

Jen Swartzentruber gave me this verse, And Jesus said,"Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as the." John 10:14. I am so comforted by this verse and knowing Andon is up in Heaven in Jesus' Rocking Chair (amazing song we played at his service). He and all these other little babies are running around playing and so happy, happier then we will ever be on Earth. So although our hearts hurt and we yearn for our babies we have to be happy for them.

Brycen The Clown

Thought I would share this picture that I stole off of my sister in law's blog :) Brycen w/ all the little girls at Hailey Brooke's (my nieces) birthday party. He is going to be the class clown for sure!

This little man helps keep me going each minute. His smile is infectious. I am truely blessed with him. <3

Wow, Courtney's Blog Memorial for Andon went over so well I think! I just finished looking at the last couple of posts and they touched my heart, just like all the others did. I never really dreamt that so many people, some people that we don't even know, would dedicate their posts to our precious little angel, Andon. It really helped us yesterday to keep checking back on Courtney's blog and seeing the new posts. They all brought tears to my eyes, but made us feel so close to Andon. I just KNOW that he was smiling down on us. His short life, only 34 weeks long, has shown us so much about how God wants us to love each other.

So many people have said how strong I am... and because I want this blog to be totally honest and really reflect me and my family and our faith and values, I want to tell you all... That I do not feel strong. I feel totally weak and helpless. But I also KNOW that that's okay, because when I am at my weakest that's when God can really work on me, when I am weak and don't feel like I can do anything myself, that's when I HAVE to rely on God the most. This is what He wants from us at all times. I'm not saying I like feeling this way or that I even know why or that I think any of this is fair. I'm just saying that I don't HAVE to have answers. I doubt I will ever know the reason that God wanted Andon back so soon... at least now while I am here on earth. I'm okay with that... My heart hurts and I WANT Andon here with us. I want all the firsts with him and my arms yearn to hold him. I'm human. I've never been scared to die or of going to Heaven, but now I'm just utterly excited about it. Brycen came home from the viewing and said, "Okay, well I'm ready to go to Heaven and be w/ Jesus and Andon.". I had to explain to him that we can't go until God says it is our time, BUT that He promises we WILL, as long as we accept Jesus in our hearts and know that he died on the cross for us. We WILL see Andon again, I will hold him. Not how I thought or how I want, but it's not about me. No matter how much I'd like it to be. This is not what I want at all, but it's how it is. Now, I just want to give all the glory to God. This is terrible and heartbreaking, BUT it's His plan. He did not promise us a life w/out hurting, He just promised He would be here to comfort us. I don't have to worry about Andon not choosing Jesus and Life, I have the PROMISE and KNOW that I WILL hold him again in Heaven.

Maybe I am rambling, but that's what is on my heart. Everyone's posts have been so sweet, and I want to be humble. I do believe in God with all my heart and I do believe this is His plan, BUT I am human. It is hard and it does hurt and I don't understand why and I am NOT strong. I just know that I don't have to be, God will be my strength.

Blog Memorial

Our sweet friend, Courtney, over at http://owensblessedlife.blogspot.com/ is doing a blog memorial in memory of our precious Andon. Words cannot express what this means to us. I have been crying all morning reading the other peoples posts. People we don't even know are celebrating Andon. This is what we want people to do, is celebrate life when they think of him. What better day to do it then Valentines Day? We live Andon w/ all our hearts and yes our hearts are still breaking, but he is with Jesus today and every day, celebrating. So if you want to join in and do something in memory of our little angel, Andon, then take a walk, bake some cookies, or just spend an extra few minutes hugging on someone you love and cherish, and post about it. You can link it back to Courtney's post she has a Mr. Linky set up for this post today. If you don't read this until after Valentines Day, or you don't have time until later, that's okay, go ahead and link it up, b/c we all want to see what everyone does in memory of Andon.



We just cannot possibly explain how much we appreciate everyone's kindness during the loss of Andon. Thank you doesn't seem like enough. We love you all.

Today what we are doing in memory of Andon is just spending time with the three of us. Ryan, Brycen, and myself are just hanging out and enjoying each other. Remembering and thinking of Andon all along. We haven't had a lot of time to ourselves since all of this has happened and it will be good to have the day just to ourselves to think about and remember Andon.

Arrangements

We just wanted to let everyone know the arrangements we have made for Andon. Everything is going to be held at our church, Berea Mennonite tomorrow (Wednesday). Visitation is from 9-11 w/ the service starting at 11. We are only having services inside and not graveside. We are trying to do what is best for Brycen as well as for ourselves. We don't want Brycen to think Andon is in the "box". So we are telling him that we are sending that box to Heaven for Andon. He is coloring a picture and putting a few things in the casket for him. Brycen already knows and believes that Andon is in Heaven and we don't want to explain about his physical body right now, that's just too much for a four year old to handle at this point. He already has a lot of questions that we're answering the best we can. Plus there is 100% chance of rain tomorrow (God is going to be crying with us over our sorrow) and we don't really want to stand out in the rain. The service is going to be pretty short and simple, just a couple songs and verses and a msg. from our preacher.

Being at home has been good, but it is also hard. It's hard to see Andon's room and look at his clothes and know he is never coming home with us. I find myself tearing up over the littlest things and wondering how I will ever feel whole again. I'm just trying to make it through each minute. My blood pressure is staying elevated and I am on meds for it so if you could say a prayer for that please do. I'm sure all the stress of making the arrangements and having so much to do isn't helping. Yesterday it was pretty much on the line where the dr. wanted me to call in. Ryan & Brycen are hanging in there as well. Like I mentioned above B has lots of questions and is having some tough times adjusting and his missing his brother and wondering why his momma is always breaking down into tears. Ryan is the best husband I could ever ask for and is trying to take care of me & mourn for himself too. Please keep lifting us up in your prayers, b/c we need it.

We know we will see Andon again one day, that day just seems so far away...

Going Home

I'm still typing to you from the hospital, but I am going to get to come home today. We are relieved to be going home, but also realize it is going to be a hard step in our journey. I'm not sure what time today that I am going to be discharged, it just depends onwhen the docter comes in (since it's Sunday and all). Physically I am doing better. I have what they call HELLP Syndrome. I know bits and pieces and have a lot of research i want to do... Ryan has been reading up on it all week. It's why I got sick after I had Brycen, but thankfully it all happened after I had him, plus I didn't have the abruption. There is a long spectrum of symptoms and things that can happen with this particular syndrome, each pregnancy can be different. The dr. has said it will take me a good 6 mo. before I am completely back to "normal" physically. I will continue to see the nephrologist until they are completely sure my kidney's are doing their own thing and all my levels are completely normal again.

We (Ryan & I) held Baby Andon again last night. Here at the hospital they have what they call an "angel room" and he stays in there until we go home so that we may spend as much time as we like with him. It's been hard to do that, but we don't want to have any regrets. He is just so perfect. His little face is just so cute!

We will be making arrangements sometime tomorrow I believe, and I will make sure & get them posted. We don't want anyone to feel like they have to come, but we want to give everyone who wants to the opportunity to say "see ya in Heaven" to our precious angel.

Thank you for your continued prayers. We love you all.

Words Cannot Express

Hello- This is Chelsa. Words cannot ever express how truely grateful I am to you all. People I do not even know have shown me God's love and mercies, not just to me, but to our entire family. Bear with me b/c I've sort of lost track of days/times/etc. Wednesday morning my labs came back better than before. I didn't have to be given any more bloods/plasma/platelets yesterday which was a relief. It was my first time out of bed and I had to travel to radiology here at Deaconess in a wheel chair- through a 1/2 mile tunnel. Not exactly what I was expecting to do on my first time out of bed, but my lungs were looking like they had some fluid in them and they wanted to be able to get a better film. I made it back to our room, that was emotional, going by the nursery and knowing our precious baby wasn't in there... even though Heaven is much more fun for him then the nursery anyway. When we got back to my room John & Sonya were here with B. That was a bright spot in my day/week. I was so groggy on Tues. evening I only remember bits and pieces. Seeing my little boy- who has always been my sunshine just gave me such a bright spot. It soon ended... on Tuesday evening we, mostly Ryan explained to Brycen that Baby Andon was in Heaven with Jesus, then he got to hold him, and kiss him, and be a big brother for a couple hours... He has been staying w/ John & Sonya and doing pretty good, but when Sonya told him they were coming yesterday he told her he was so excited to see HIS baby... We had everyone leave and we spoke w/ him ourselves (just ryan and i) and that was the hardest thing I've ever done. Losing Andon has been and will always continue to be horrible, but I can explain things to myself and lean on the Lord, but trying to make a four year old understand... Words cannot explain how tough this was. He kept saying that we were teasing him and that he wanted to see his baby... We finally explained it to him like how our dog had 8 puppies and 3 of them died... we got to hold them too, but they were still gone. He was very upset of course and cried and cried and then he got very angry. We did our best to reassure him that ANY thing he feels is okay. I know it will be a day by day sometimes hour by hour process for all of us. I have been having lots of stomach pain- I won't go into details b/c it's kinda gross, but my evening was kind of rough again. My labs keep coming back better and better though. All my kidney & liver functions are improving which is great. I have seen specialists for both & we feel that we're in the best care we could ask for. My OB has been wonderful and I couldn't ask for a better more caring docter. She has literally spent hours in my room. I didn't realize until yesterday how close I was to not making it. I am so thankful that wasn't God's will b/c brycen and ryan need me. No matter how good Heaven and Andon sound right now, I know that someday we will all be together again. This is a long update & I'm probably all over the place and forgetting all kinds of stuff, but I just wanted to let you all know how appreciative we are. Please send up a prayer for Ryan too, not only is he here dealing w/ his own grief and trying to take care of me he is sick w/sinus/cough etc. They've been pumping him full of medicine, but it doesn't seem to be helping a whole lot. We were able to take pictures of baby Andon & he just looks like he is sleeping! He was pretty big for only being born at 34 weeks! He had a head full of dark hair and I think he looks like his daddy. Still no word on when I can come home so that puts us at a stop on any further arrangements. I'll try to stay better updated now that I'm feeling more alive. They might let me have pudding today. If you have text me or emailed me I'm so sorry but I haven't even gotten to those yet. I promise all your thank yous will come, but I just don't know when. Keep praying we need it.

Visiting....

Hello again, Lorice has called and Chelsa has had a pretty rough day and in need of a lot of rest.
She is having to be given blood and platelets again and they are asking that anyone who had planned on going there this evening to please hold off until at least tomorrow.
They are not trying to be ungreatful, however at this time their main concern is Chelsa's health.

They are asking for the continued prayers for the whole family but especially Chelsa at this time, for this to turn around and she continue to recover the way she had been!
Thanks again to everyone for the understanding and continued support,Love and Prayers!

Update...

Hi everyone, my name is Misty, I am a friend of Chelsa and Ryan and they have asked me to do this on their behalf.
As most of you all know by now yesterday Chelsa and Ryan lost baby Andon.
Chelsa had been having problems with high blood pressure and when she woke it was especailly high and was having contractions, they headed for the hospital. When they got there she was hooked up to monitors to find no heart beat.
I am not going into all of the detail as I feel if that is something they want to talk about at a later time they can.
They did a c-section and Chelsa lost a lot of blood, she was given 8 pints of blood, platelets, and plasma. The doctors expected that had they not been able to act as quickly as they did that she too may have been lost. But through all the prayers and support she did a lot better than expected and is making a miraculous recovery.

They wanted you all to know how much your prayers and support have been appreciated and how your continuous prayer is still needed for the days ahead.
Their spirits are better than I personally expected and they give all glory to God for their strength, and ask for your continued prayer not only for them, we also need to keep little Brycen in our prayers as I'm sure you all have, he is still little and not quiet sure of whats going on.
As well as their parents and entire family as this has been a big devastation for them all!

Chelsa is expected to remain in the hospital until at least Friday, depending on how all of it goes possible Saturday or Sunday.
They have not yet made officail arrangements as this is all still very fresh for them.
When they have those arrangement times and locations I will be sure and pass this information along.

Again thank you so much for the out pouring of Love,Prayers, and Concern.....

Andon Joseph Richard Knepp 5lb 5oz 19" February 3rd 2008

33 wks and 5 days & a weekend update

**NEW Update** I just spoke w/ the phone nurse at the dr's office and my dr isn't in today :(. She had to speak w/ another dr... which I like them all, but I think you're always just more comfortable w/ your own dr. I'm supposed to go home and rest until my appt. tomorrow and keep that appt. I'm already scheduled for blood work for this stuff anyway so we'll see how that goes!!! Thank you all for your prayers!

**Update** Well, like this post says, I don't want to complain, and I don't! But I do need to ask for your prayers. I knew my face swelling was just so weird... I thought I better have our county health nurse check my BP today b/c I feel kind of tingly and stuff... she just checked it and it was 140/90. That's high and SUPER high for me. Mine is normally like 104/78.... or somewhere around there. Sooo if you, say a prayer for me. I tried calling the dr's office, but they are out to lunch. Since I'm going down tomorrow for an appt. I doubt she'll have me come in today, but Amy (co. health nurse) thought I should go ahead and call her and make sure and just let her know. They will be back in at the dr's office at around 1, which is 2 our time so I'll update when/if I know anything. Hopefully, I'm just stressed or something... but I don't feel stressed.

Well, here is a belly picture... you'll have to excuse the swollen face... I'm retaining water like crazy & i had a crazy tooth ache that made my face swell even more on one side lol. Luckily, the tooth ache is gone and that brings me to- I want to apologize for being such a whiner lately! I think B would call me a "baby whiner" lol... I really am so grateful to be pregnant and realize that last year at this time my heart was breaking b/c I wasn't. I get so caught up in being miserable & tired & grouchy and I don't want to say that I forget how blessed I am, BUT I do tend to overlook it I guess. I realize that in a few or a little more weeks it will all be over and I'll have a precious bundle of a joy and I won't even remember all this little stuff making me miserable. I also realize it could be so much worse! I don't want anyone to think I'm unappreciative of the gift God has given me, b/c I'm so not. I thank him daily, more than once for this precious baby that we tried so hard for! This is just a place that I feel comfortable venting & whining, but I definitely don't want that to be the overall feeling people get when they come read what's going on w/ our family! So- thanks for listening and I'll try to keep it more upbeat from now on :).
Here I am at 33 wks and 5 days.

We had a pretty good weekend. Friday I came home early due to not feeling well. I was up by the evening and feeling quite a bit better, thankfully! We just hung out at home and chilled :) Ryan isn't used to me being so anti-social and I think he was bored, but he is being a trooper! He made us hot ham and cheese sandwiches for supper, YUM! I was so thankful he made supper for us! Him and B played some trucking game on the X-Box most of the evening while I sat and laughed at them!

Saturday morning I got up and came into work to catch up on the stuff I missed the week before... wasn't too much really and I actually got some boring jobs done that I tend to put off a lot... like shredding papers... eww! I am really really glad to have that done! I am all caught up on my back log right now and that is just so exciting to me! We are normally months behind on cases and I knew I wanted to get it all caught up before leaving on maternity leave! I have accomplished that and now I just need to stay caught up on day to day stuff which is so much easier to do when you don't have all that other stuff holding you back! After I was done working my mom, B, and I headed to Vincennes and ate at Buffalo Wild Wings for a late lunch (I had the best chicken ranch wrap ever!!) and to Wal-Mart and to do a little shopping at Kohl's! I was worn out by the time I got home, but it was a fun little trip! Saturday night we didn't do anything again... I KNOW Ryan was going stir crazy, but I just couldn't motivate myself to want to leave or even have people over! We went to bed pretty early and I was glad about that!

Yesterday we were up and off to church. After church we had to run by Wal-Mart for a few things and then home we went. I took a nap with B again which was great- I slept for 2 hours, which I regretted last night at bedtime, but hey it made me feel good during the day! :). I got up and made a stromboli (yes, it's one of my favorite things to make!) to take to our family friends, The Doerner's for our little Superbowl get together. It was just them and my parents and us, so a relaxed evening, no big deal and only 5 min. from our house so it wasn't super late when we got home! Brycen got asked to be the ring bearer in the wedding of Jeremy & Megan coming up on May 2nd. He is going to pull little Lilyan down the aisle in a wagon! That will be so cute! This will be his 3rd wedding so he's going to be a pro at it :).

I think that's about all I have to update on for now... Tomorrow afternoon I have my 34 week check up at the dr's. They are doing another CBC to make sure my platelets are staying at a normal level so lets hope they are! I always look forward to hearing his little heartbeat, although he is so active, he lets me know he is doing just fine!