just catching up

Well, I'm not really sure what to write. I have a lot of "deep" feelings floating around my head & my heart, but I really don't even know what they are... so I think I'll just go with a post about our week.

Monday evening I had to get some stuff ready for my Pampered Chef party. Ryan mowed & B played outside w/ the dog and the kitten and jumped on the trampoline. We had a pretty nice evening, although it was full of "busy stuff".

Tuesday was hectic after work getting the final details worked out for my Pampered Chef party. I thought the party went really well and I am pleased w/ it! I haven't closed yet, so if you want to order something- let me know! We had a great turnout and a really fun group of people. It was a relaxing evening with GOOD food :) and who doesn't like good food and girl talk?! lol. Ryan & B went over to my good friend Vanessa's to hang out w/ her hubby Clint and little boy Tyler (clint and ryan are good friends too & so are our boys). They said the boys were angels for them so that was good! I was up late trying to pick out all the stuff I want to get, haha! I should of went to bed b/c I woke up tired yesterday.

Yesterday while B was at pre-school I came into work for a few hours. Then I went to pick out my new glasses at the eye dr. I couldn't do it on Fri. b/c my eyes were dilated I couldn't see! I hate myself in glasses so I couldn't find a pair that I just loved or anything, but the ones I got are "ok" and will do if my contacts are bothering me or something. After I picked up B we went to visit my mom at work and ate lunch w/ her. My brother was in lunch too and so B got to hang out w/ him which made him a happy boy! He loves his Uncle Joe! After that we went to look at some property that is for sale that we had heard about. Ryan hasn't got to see it yet, but I like it... we aren't doing anything though until we know something for sure about our house. We headed home and I did some laundry and B played & then we jumped on the trampoline. While we were hanging out outside I was watching our super old neighbor across the road mow his lawn and I was thinking "man he really shouldn't be mowing" (he is REALLY old & lives alone), just about the time I was thinking that he was mowing on a hill and he fell off his mower! His next door neighbor was outside at the time and also saw it and went running over there. Oh it was so terrible.... then it took the ambulance FOREVER to get there. He seemed okay after awhile, but they took him to the hospital to make sure. Last night B was telling everyone "you know the guy that lives on the left across the road?? Well he fell off his lawn mower and the ambulance came and parked in our yard." lol... he was too cute. I was impressed he knew it was the house on the left though ;). Ryan had to work late in Evansville last night so we couldn't go to small group :(. I hate missing b/c I love it! B & I didn't want to stay home all evening by ourselves though so we went w/ my mom to my brothers track meet at Princeton. Beforehand we picked up my brothers old girlfiend Brae (i miss her!) and we all went out to eat at Pizza Hut. Joe did good at the meet- but he never is proud of himself- he always is mad about his time! It was a HUGE meet (10 teams I believe). We didn't get home until almost 11! I was SOOO tired (and still am today!). B & I went straight to bed.

Today is work & stuff around the house this evening. Tomorrow is my Aunt's funeral in Indy. We are leaving at 6am! It is going to be a long day. My mom and I are just going. My grandma is watching B and Ryan and my dad have to work. I thought that was too long of a trip for B in one day plus having to sit through a funeral... and I didn't want him to have to attend yet another funeral this month... this year.... he is only 4 after all. He is such a good boy I know it would be fine, but I emotionally I don't want him to have to be there for all that.

Britt & I after my Pampered Chef party the other evening (ryan must of been confused?).

Britt, Chelsey, and I after my party~ love these girls :)

Brycen Hunter-- gun and goggles?! who knows!

My brother & B when we went to have lunch yesterday at mom's work. He was working the sign up table for the senior dinner (i can't believe my baby brother is a senior!). You can tell by this picture what kind of mischief these two get in!!

Walk

I had posted earlier that my friend L and her sweet family were walking in memory of Andon on this past Saturday. She sent me a couple pictures and I just had to share them with ya'll! I'm so touched by her sweetness and generosity. It is amazing to see how many people have had a loss so similiar... I just had FIVE families come to my mind just now... and if I thought harder about it I could come up with more, that I know personally. It makes my heart hurt that that many people have hurt as bad as I hurt. I also know that each of those five families have hope in Jesus Christ, I absolutly cannot fathom going through a loss like this and not having our Father to fall into His arms and weep and know that this isn't the end.
They bought balloons in memory of each baby to let off... reminds me of all the people that let balloons go in Andon's name around Valentines day when Courtney did the blog memorial for us.


Leilanni and her sweet girls Ellie & Caroline (aren't they adorable?!) at the walk!

I did receive some more bad news this morning... my great aunt toots (that's what they call her, i have no idea why!) passed away around midnight. About a month ago they found out she had cancer and she was to start treatments this week... that wasn't meant to be, she went to be with Jesus. I'm sad. Believe me, I'm so sad... but I don't have any tears left to cry anymore. I sort of feel like I'm becoming "hard" to all this sadness around me... or I guess maybe you call that denial. My heart hurts for her 3 kids and her grandkids because I'm sure this seems so sudden. One day she was (seemingly) healthy and the next she is gone. I feel like our family is just being attacked these past almost 3 (i can't believe that it's been that long) months... I am sick of death and caskets and funerals... But I know Satan wants me to give up, he wants me to get depressed and doubt God, but I won't. I can't.

Gorgeous Weekend Weather = Lots of time to play outside!

We had a really good weekend! We loved all the beautiful weather (who wouldn't?!). Friday I left work early to go the eye dr. for a check up. I dread the eye dr. almost as much as I do the dentist (my eyes are terrible) and I always put it off... He told me on Friday I have an increased chance of my retina's detaching b/c my prescription is so high. nice. Just what you always want to hear. I changed to a new brand of contacts and I'm excited about that. They are a little more expensive, but supposed to be a whole lot better for your eyes. So far the trial pair I have in is working great! I also got my eyes dialated (eww). I think that's the part I dread the most. I went home and had an hour until Ryan & B got home so I just layed down and closed my eyes (couldn't see to do anything and it was giving me a headache from straining to see). When they got home my eyes were some better. I needed to go to Wal-Mart & Ryan had some things to get at Home Depot so we just went to Jasper and did both things. We still got home fairly early & just made pizza for supper.

Saturday morning we got up and started putting the trampoline together... what a job- I'm sure we looked hilarious! Then the neighbor came over and helped Ryan get the rest of the swingset put back up. I went and got flowers for my pots for the porch/front of the house at Lemond's (which is only like 4 miles away from us, family owned, super friendly people, with great prices)! Brycen LOVES the trampoline. I wish I would of got this on tape, but he said, "I'm never going to eat, I'm never going to drink and I'm never going to sleep, I'm staying on here forever, because trampolines are AWESOME!!" He makes me smile... actually I laughed all day off and on at that one. I think I love the trampoline almost as much as him! I was sore yesterday from jumping so much on Saturday! I also got the house cleaned on Saturday & hung all my wash out on the line. I love hanging it outside! Ryan also got the front deck stained/sealed! It looks much better... now he just has the back deck to do. We didn't come inside until 9pm to eat supper! We were all so dirty, but I think that just says what a fun/productive day we had! In between all that we also played w/ the baby kitten (yah, just one now, the other one disappeared....) and Iz (our dog). We were so tired once we got our showers and sat down! B & I went to bed right away after that.

Yesterday we went to church & then went to visit Ryan's Grandma Knepp & then had lunch w/ his family. Brycen really enjoyed playing w/ his cousins, he hadn't seen them for a few weeks. We got home about 3:30... and of course B had to jump on his trampoline for a little while. I told him he had to take a nap, but that didn't end up happening. Around 5 we left to go to my parents for supper. My cousin Todd and his momma Lisa dropped by my parents to visit. Then we ate supper and just hung out. We got home about 8:00 and gave B a bath and I had to water the plants. I stayed up too late watching "my shows". I woke up with a headache this morning :(.

First time jumping on the trampoline (we didn't have the safety things on yet-- he was too excited to wait!)

Love this picture (i was laying on the trampoline and he was bouncing me--fun stuff)

we got this as a hanging plant when my Papaw died-- I removed it and put in this pot on our front porch! I think it's so pretty- the picture doesn't do it justice.

Hailey, Brycen, and Jayce playing in the fish pond yesterday afternoon.

Also, I wanted to mention that I am having a Pampered Chef Party tomorrow evening at my house at 6:30 (get ahold of me for directions). I'd love to have any/all of you to come!

My Life In 30 Sentences...plus some! ha!

I really have nothing imparticular that I want to post today... I saw this on L's blog and found it fun to learn more about her so I thought I would do it too... although, I doubt there is anything too interesting about my life in the past 23 years! lol.

1. My Grandma always babysat for me while my parents worked. Those will always be some of my best memories.
2. I used to make myself sick worrying about if people were mad at me or not... I still struggle with this.
3. I took my first plane ride at 2 months to Ft. Lauderdale Fla.
4. My mom had me swimming in the pool pretty much as soon as I was born... I'm still a huge water lover!
5. My dad was a police officer until I was 8, he had a gun held to his head and decided he better find a new occupation! I'm so thankful he did, but still have great respect for police officers and hate when people refer to them as "pigs, cops... etc". I work with these guys daily with my job and just have a HUGE respect for the job they do.
6. My Papaw would sit in his recliner and time my handstands w/ his stopwatch for hours on end when I was a little girl! I never tired of that game!
7. I always pictured myself getting married young-- that dream came true :)
8. I also always pictured myself having 6 kids... not going to happen!
9. When I was a little girl my mom said instead of begging to look at "the toy aisle" at a store, I begged to look at the "shoe aisle"... hmm :) lol
10. I have NEVER liked McDonalds. As a child my mom said if she asked me where I wanted to eat I said, "Chi-Chi's"! Lucky her! I have had to learn to at least tolerate McDonald's b/c like most "normal" kids B loves it.
11. I have read more books then I could EVER count! My mom would take me to a book store in Evansville to get The BabySitter's Club books and I would aleady have one read before we ever pulled in the driveway! I had every book they ever had about those girls! All the different series' and everything!
12. I went to two proms my freshman year. I had a ton of fun at the PC prom and HATED the Washington prom... less to do w/ the prom then my situation (went w/ an ex)!
13. I met my husband in the Barr Reeve parking lot... come to find out I was a bet to see who could call me first.nice. ha! (i didn't know i was a bet until AFTER we were married!) Ryan says he is still trying to figure out who won the bet!! :)
14. My brother let all my balloon's go on my 12th birthday, but also made me a cake :)
15. When I was little I would only drink my coke hot! EW!
16. My mom worked at Pike Central the whole time I was in school there (6-12 grade) so I could NEVER get away with anything! I probably spent more time in her office then in class though!
17. I ate a chicken filet w/ nacho cheese every day for lunch for 7 years (6-12 grade). There might of been a few days I got something else, but that was a rare occasion! I still love chicken filets and nacho cheese and B and I go to visit my mom at work a lot of Wed. and I have that for lunch:)
18. I've always wanted a sister and got one when I got married :)
19. I had an outside wedding and wouldn't change that for the world!
20. I started gymnastics (tumbling) when I was 2.
21. I keep a date book aka "handy dandy planner" (as ryan calls it). I have to write in it daily... it's kind of a life source!
22. I've always liked thinking of names and used to make lists and lists of them, even when I was a little girl!
23. Everyone thought my best friend Chelsea and I were twins from the time we were in elem. school until we graduated h.s. ~when we were little we would call ourselves "Aleah and Alexis" haha :)
24. I got my first trampoline for my 4th birthday & went through 3 by the time I moved out! I'm so excited we are setting up B's this weekend!
25. Before I was married and had B I would drive around on backroads and listen to music when I was upset or even just bored. I took B on "backroads" to go home the other day and he thought it was the coolest thing ever. I love finding new roads and looking at houses or even old buildings... or just enjoying God's scenery he put here for us to look at!
26. I like to write with "fat" pens... ya know the kind that writes smooth and big... not the pointy kind or that leaves lighter marks!
27. I've always loved to take pictures... ask any of my childhood friends :) I rarely like a picture of myself though...
28. I always had pets growing up and I want the same for B!
29. I've always had terrible allergies (that are some better after I've had kids)... the whites of my eyes used to swell over the colored area!! talk about looking like a freak!
30. I've been saved by Grace :)

Now if you're bored do this because I love learning about people! :)

Shortly after we met in the B.R. Parking lot :) this was our very first picture together... and still one of my favorites! *Yesterday was 8 yrs from the day we started "dating"!

The Sister I gained when I got married :) (this was when I was about 17 I think) Don't know what I would do w/out her!

Chelsea & I aka Aleah and Alexis!haha :)

My First Car-- plenty of cruising backroads and listening to music done in here :)

All those gymnastics lessons paid off in h.s. :) haha! Now my body hurts from bending it until those unnatural positions :)

Courtney O. & I at that dreaded WHS prom in 2001! (terrible pic of me, but I had to put it on here!)

My Cousin Tosha and I with one of my pets "Snickers" :)

The shoe aisle must of led me to some cowboy boots :) *i guess B's love for boots comes naturally! ha!

Always ready to go swimming :)

my 12th birthday when my Bubby made me a cake :) <3

~Always a Papaw's girl~ RIP

catch up

Well, we have been so busy the past week with everything going on that I feel like I haven't had time to breathe! Friday after I posted I worked a bit and then went to be with my family. We all went and had lunch out together and then went to the funeral home to pick everything out and get the service all in order. My friend L asked me in an email if that brought back memories of doing it for Andon. I hadn't really thought of how I would feel before I got there on Friday, but it did bring back the memories... although they weren't bad memories. I think I just felt relief that I wasn't back in that position anymore. I will never forgot that day at the funeral home, I felt so young and inadequate to be making those decisions that you never think you will be faced with until you're much much older. Even though the people at the funeral home were wonderful, very sincere and knew how hard it was, no matter how easy they tried to make it, it was still one of the hardest things to do. I felt like a pro by the time we were doing it for Papaw. We picked out a nice casket that had a deer background (my Papaw was an avid hunter and fisherman). My Grandma isn't a fan of normal organ music that they play at funerals so Ryan had burnt a cd for them with some of their favorite gospel songs. They were songs they used to sing with each other! I thought that was so sweet! We did flowers from the great-grandkids (Brycen and Andon) just a little boquet that they laid in the back of the casket and we put a picture of Andon and a picture of B on each side of the flowers. It was so sweet... I'm especially glad now that we went ahead with Andon Joseph Richard as his name instead of just Andon Joseph! Anyway, I'm rambling again... go figure! Friday night we had supper again at my parents with the whole family. My Uncle Dan's daughter flew in from Cali. and it was nice to visit with her, hadn't seen her since 2004 when I was pregnant with B! Saturday morning I came into work for a bit because of leaving on Friday and missing so much this week. I got a bunch done and then went home and enjoyed the beautiful weather Ryan and Brycen. I also got my house cleaned since someone was coming to look at it on Sunday! Saturday evening we went back over to my parents to be with my family. My Uncle Dan's other daughter Kathy and her husband Jeff flew in, it was nice to visit with them because I hadn't seen them since 1998, when I was in 6th grade! Every night has been a late night for us the past week! I'm exhausted! Sunday morning we got up and went to church & then came home and the guy came to look at our house... that went AWESOME. We are still on hold for a few months. He works at Alcoa and they told them if they get through the summer then their jobs will be safe, SO if that happens and he doesn't get layed off over the summer, he wants it FOR SURE! That timing actually works out better for us anyway since we have no plans whatsoever in place right now. I guess we will see what God has in store for us over the next few months and into early fall! As soon as he left we had to get ready to go to the funeral home for the viewing. We were there for about 5 1/2 or 6 hours. The line never quit. There was such a turn out of people showing their love and support to my family. I am so honored by the awesome tribute that showed to what a great guy my Papaw was! Monday I was pretty for sure it was supposed to rain, but I know the sun was shining on us all day because Andon and my Papaw were smiling down on us! The service went very well. Brycen did great, sitting on my Grandma's lap the whole time... that was good for both of them. The funeral was also packed, I don't think there was an open chair! I KNEW my Papaw was an amazing person- I'm just glad to know everyone else thought so too! At the graveside service the weather was just beautiful, in the sun it was even warm! My Papaw was layed to rest beside his own son, Stephen, that was stillborn on April 1, 1957. We had lunch at the church afterward. Ryan, B, and I then went home to try and rest for awhile, I was exhausted and the other two were as well! B and I got up and went with my family that was here visiting and my parents to watch my brother at his track meet. He won both his long distance events! He's pretty awesome :). After the meet we went back to my parents and all had pizza. My uncle Dan got Brycen a new bugle... yes, a real bugle... thank you uncle dan! ha! That's the loudest thing I've ever heard! Saying Good-Bye Monday night to Jeff and Kathy and Uncle Dan and Uncle Bill, Aunt Barb, and Aunt Karen was kind of hard. Having all the company has made things a little easier I believe... Yesterday I worked, and then left at 1 to go to my dr's appt. in Evansville. My appt. went fine! My BP is doing great and I guess I'm declared "healthy" again :)! I don't go back until July... unless I need to before that... :). I'm kind of hoping I need to before that! We'll see what what the next couple of months holds though I guess. Yesterday was Kayla's cerclage as well. It went really well and they said she had it just in time. PRAISE GOD! Last night we went out to eat again as a family. It was cousin Penny's last night here. After we went out to eat she came to see our house and visit for awhile. My mom and grandma are on their way to the airport with her now. I am getting ready to go pick Brycen up at school and then we are going to enjoy the pretty sunshine outside today!

He is such a goofball--pretending to sleep under a tree outside on Saturday!

Enjoying the pretty weather-haha

He has Uncle Dan wrapped around his finger!

Brycen with his "real bugle"! He can make some VERY LOUD noises with this thing!

We are looking forward to getting some stuff done around the house and RELAXING this weekend! We have been gone every night for over a week so we need to catch up and relax!!

Clarificiation& March of Dimes In Memory of Andon

I think my post "Spending Time w/ Family" might of been misunderstood! I didn't mean that I don't like to talk about Andon, or that it is even hard for me to talk about him. At home, he is a part of our daily conversation, every day w/out fail we talk about Andon. We have pictures all around our house and it just seems very natural to talk about him. I also don't mind when others (friends and family like you guys) talk about him or bring him up. I WANT to talk about him, I need to! I need to know that he is real and that people understand that! What I meant was that it's hard to explain when a perfect stranger asks about how mnay children you have. My response I had planned in my head was, I have Brycen and Andon, but Andon is in Heaven now. I was caught so completly off guard though by this well meaning, simple question from a stranger that I froze. Strangers don't normally want to hear every detail about your life, and believe me, when I start talking about Andon, it's not a short conversation :) Sooo! I just wanted to clear that up- I don't want people to be afraid to ask me about him or to talk about him, because that's not weird or hard for me at all! I LOVE talking about him just like I love talking about Brycen.



Also, while on the subject of Andon I wanted to let you all know that my sweet friend Leilanni and her dear family are walking in the March of Dimes walk in memory of our precious Andon! Isn't that the sweetest thing? What a special way to remember our sweet boy AND to raise money for a great cause. If any of you would like to donate to the cause in memory of Andon please go here. Thank you so much :)

Home

My Papaw went home to be with Jesus this morning at a little before eight. I'm grieving b/c I miss him already (we were super close my whole life), but I'm celebrating for him because he is healthy now. He isn't suffering anymore... AND he gets to hold Andon for his first time :) . My heart pounds a little faster just thinking of that.

Last night I stood by my Papaw and held is hand and talked to him for over 30 minutes. I'm so glad I did. It hurt to stand there like that, but now I am sooo glad that I did. I got to hold his hand and I kissed his cheek goodbye and told him I loved him. I told him to go hold Andon for me.

I broke the news to Brycen. I was so nervous because we were getting ready for work/school and we were home... I really wanted Ryan to be there too, but I knew I had to tell him. I just said, "Brycen, Papaw Richard went to Heaven to be with Andon and to hold him." He started to pucker up and cry, but not too much. He got a little mad at me and told me to let him put his own shoes on... but then he wanted to go to daycare. I let him, only because I want him to be comfortable. I want him to be happy and if playing w/ his friends helps him, then thats fine with me... even though I wish I could just sit and hold him all day! On the way to daycare he said, "I'm going to go tell Joey (his bff at preschool) all about my Papaw Richard." Joey's mom just called me and said Brycen seemed happy when she dropped Joey off. That relieved me a little bit.

We are going to the funeral home at 2pm today to make the arrangements. Please pray for us. We Know he is better off, but it's still hard.

Spending Time with Family

I really don't have much to say or anything to update. This week has mostly just been spent with our family. Tuesday evening Ryan brought his parents camper down to my parents house so that some of our family that was flying in could stay in it. My dad and Ryan got that all set up. People have been bringing over food to my parents like crazy so we stayed for dinner. Two of my grandpa's brothers, Dan & Bill and their wives got in that evening and we visited with them. It was a late night and I was exhausted when we got home, but couldn't sleep, I stayed up and did laundry. Brycen loves having Uncle Dan here. He is one of his favorite people! You might recall a lot of posts last summer/fall about Uncle Dan and Aunt Barb. They always come to stay for a few months and Brycen gets really attached to them. I feel so lucky that even though they live so far away we still get to be so close with them. We actually see them a lot more than we see some of our family that lives close by. Anyway... off the subject--go figure, that seems to happen a lot with me. haha.

Yesterday, Wednesday, my day off, and a favorite day of the week, (who doesn't like days off)... B went to pre-school in the morning (they learned about Noah's ark as a math lesson and made a really great foam ark with Noah and the animals, I'll have to get a picture!). He was really proud and you should of heard him talking about it. He did voices for God & Noah and their conversation about the ark. TOO CUTE! I love how he is such a little sponge and just soaks it all up. I wish my brain worked that well! ha! While he was at pre-school I went and got my hair highlighted. It had been quite awhile and was looking pretty bad... I had been dreading going to get it done though. Besides being with people I know I'm not that fond of being in public anymore or running into people I haven't seen in awhile. It's inevitable that something about Andon will come up. I think it's sweet that people care, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I just want to go get my hair done, or get to the store, and be "normal". It's probably my imagination, but it seems like people stare at me. I was talking to a friend here at work the other day and telling her about it, I said it's like, "hey lets stare at the girl whose baby died". She put in much nicer and said people are just curious and probably are wondering whether they should say something or not. Anyway, I got my highlights and my sweet beautician who has done my hair all my life had gotten a little gift for me (a new really yummy smelling candle!). Then I felt bad about being anxious about going... I hope I don't seem like I have a chip on my shoulder- I don't. I just get nervous about what to say or how to react to certain situations. I was at a yard sale and someone asked if Brycen was my only child- now I knew eventually this would happen, but I wasn't ready for it. I froze, I had tears forming, and I just nodded. I didn't/couldn't go into the whole deal that day. Then afterward I felt terrible, like I was ignorning Andon or something. Ridiculous I know, because we all know that I love that little boy sooo much and ache for him every day.
Ok... off the subject again, oops! After getting my hair done I picked up B and we went home and cleaned some. Then we took a nap- I meant to just put him down for a nap, but I fell asleep. We both must of needed it because we slept for 2 and 1/2 hours. When Ryan got home we got ready and went back over to my parents to have supper and visit with the family some more. My grandpa isn't responsive anymore to our voices, and his respirations last night were super low. I don't know that I can see him anymore. The last time I talked to him I told him I love you and he said it back. It's too hard to see him this way, when he doesn't respond, can't even acknowledge your prescence. It's so hard. Every time my phone rings I'm afraid it is "the call". I want to stay home from work and be with my family, but I'm afraid it would get me too down. It's easier to come to work and focus on other peoples problems and deal with them. Last night was another late night getting home from visiting. My mom was helping with my grandpa so I finished up stuff around the house for her, like cleaning the kitchen from supper, making a new pitcher of tea, etc... I know she has her hands full right now with all the family being in and so I just want to help how I can.
I don't know how this is possible, but I just seem to feel like my heart gets fuller every day with love for Brycen. He really just keeps me going. I don't have the time to be depressed b/c him and his funny business just keep me rolling in laughter- even amidst my tears.
Tonight will be more of the same, spending time with my dear family. My heart hurts for them, I know they are each hurting and handeling this in their own way. My dad, I know this is hard on him, he isn't one to show emotion though, but it is his dad, and they've always been so close.

Also, my cousin Todd and his wife Kayla, that lost the twins and are now expecting again, things are going good for them so far. They had an appointment w/ the perinatologist (sp?) on Tuesday and her cerclage is scheduled for this coming Tuesday (the 21st). Please pray for that to go smooth and to have an uneventful 27 more weeks of pregnancy! I am making them supper Tuesday evening for when they get home (it makes me nervous they aren't keeping her over night!). It feels nice to be needed, instead of being the one depending on others.

Easter Pictures

Brycen Hunter & his easter basket from us... :)

going straight for that trumpet-- it's a bathtoy he has been wanting

he says "i'm in a marching band" hahah i have no idea how he knows what a marching band is!

he was so excited about this (even though he doesn't look like it in this pic)

the love of my life :)

momma's boy!

hunting eggs at mamaw reece's and papaw rick's!

i was running to take a picture of him and he thought i was trying to get his eggs haha!! we laughed so hard :)

my happy boy :)

my mom put money in his eggs b/c i told her he really didn't need all that candy-- he opened egg after egg and then said "where's the candy?" lol

opening his easter bag from my mom and dad

some new clothes from mamaw reece-- she has good taste :) three shirts from gymboree and a cute one from children's place

We had a pretty good Easter. We went to church with my mom since my poor ol' Dad had to work :(. That man is going to work himself to death, I'm quite sure of it. We had supper that night at my parents. Did the egg hunt-- not too hard for B since he is the only grandchild on that side still. He still had fun though I think. Anything w/ Mamaw and Papaw is fun, right? My Grandpa's brother and his wife have been down since last Thurs. helping with my Grandpa. Brycen was so funny, we told him that Uncle Herman was his Great Great Uncle... he kept saying "well my Great Great Uncle Papaw Herman" lol he thinks any guy w/ gray hair should be his papaw :). On Sunday night I got caught up on my brother's scrapbook that I'm doing for him (b/c my mom doesn't like to scrapbook, but wants one for him and to have out at his graduation party and stuff). I hadn't worked on it since Aug. so I had quite a bit to catch up!! Thankfully, he's a boy and doesn't like to take many pictures, haha!

So the update on my Papaw... well, on Thursday they said they didn't think he would make it through the weekend. It's Tuesday now and he is still here, but it's pretty much an hour by hour thing. Yesterday they said 24-48 hours. Someone has to stay up around the clock with him and give him some sort of meds every two hours to help keep him resting. Everyone is taking shifts staying up and is pretty tired at this point... watching someone slip away is exhausting- physically and mentally for sure. My grandpa's brother's that live out west are flying in this evening. I am dreading telling Brycen when the time comes. I haven't said anything to him right now, because I think it will be easier for him to understand when it's actually happened. Honestly, this is the part I dread most. I am terrified of his reaction. I know that kids are resilient but he has been through SO much. He is so tender hearted he's just already lost so much in the last two 1/2 months. Somehow, I just hope that he will understand. I pray that God will give us the wisdom and words that he would speak to us. Please remember our family once again in your prayers, these next days/week is going to be tough. My hurt hearts, but we forge ahead, with Heaven in our sights! I honestly can't wait for that day.

Last night we took Brycen mushroom hunting. He was so excited, they said it's all he talked about yesterday at daycare. He kept telling them he was going to go hunt "pinecones" haha :). We didn't find much of anything, but had fun out tromping around in the woods anyway. I think I must be out of shape, because my legs are a little sore today! hehe.

I think everyone knows we had our house for sale awhile back? We had it on the market for about a year... lots of lookers, no buyers. We just decided the timing wasn't right to sell and we refinanced back in January to a much better interest rate, saving us quite a bit of money per month. We said we'd try to sell again in a few years. Well, someone has now contacted us wanting to buy our house. WHAT??!! The guy that owns the field behind our house-- it's his grandson. I know the whole family well, actually his grandpa and my grandma grew up together. We talked about it, and decided just to give him the price we want out of it, and he can take it or leave it. We figured he would back off and we said we'd give him the first chance when we do decide to sell (his family all lives right down the road, so location is key to him). Well, the price must not of bothered him, because he called and is coming to look at it this weekend. Kind of scary, we could be homeless... :) hehe. This isn't really "our timing", but hey, nothing ever seems to go by "our timeline" !! :) He may come and not be interested at all, and that's fine too. Please just keep us in your prayers about this as well. I'll keep ya'll updated.

I think that's about all the updating I have... I'm off tomorrow- and I'm getting my hair done! whoo hoo :)

headache.

I have a headache. Brycen has bronchitis :(. Ryan is going fishing. I have a headache.
Ok, so I'm rambling. I have so much to say, but don't even know where to start, b/c I'm not sure what's even all going on in my head! Last Thursday Brycen started doing bad w/ his asthma, which didn't really surprise me. His is made worse a lot of the times by weather and spring is here, so pollen and other such things induce his and make our breathing treatments more frequent. Not a problem. I'm used to this. Well, over the weekend it only got worse. Not used to that. Monday I decided I better take him to the dr. Diagonosis: Bronchitis :(. No wonder my little guy was feeling bad and needing more breathing treatments than normal. I'm glad I took him- he rarely goes to the dr. b/c I'm one of those parents who just lets him "get over it" on his own, which has actually been good b/c he rarely gets very sick. I felt kind of bad this time for holding out and just thinking it was asthma stuff, but that's really how it first started and presented itself! Anyway- it's really not getting much better, I'm a little worried about him. He is now actually coughing some "junk" up, which I know is good, but he gets choked and it freaks him out (this started last night) and so I feel terrible for him! Sooo it's been a long week with just that going on. Sunday we went up to see my Papaw and say I love you and stuff (he's still holding on, but not good at all, now he's hardly even drinking b/c he gets choked). Brycen could barely get out "love you" to Papaw and then he started bawling and hiding his face. I think it's just a lot for him. My heart is breaking for him still. Last night at small group he kept saying "tell them to pray for my papaw richard". Honestly, I just want to cry. I want to say, "God I've had enough, I can't take anything else right now". It's one thing for me to be heart broken, but to see my precious baby boy be heart broken, I just can't take it!! And who better to understand than God? He gave up his only Son for US. FOR ME. I know he "gets it", I know he knows my heart is breaking. I can't make sense of things, my head is a swirl of thoughts CONSTANTLY, my brain does not rest, which is causing dreams all night long, (well the every 3 hours of breathing treatments and no good rest for the past week isn't helping either) and did I mention I have a headache? I know this post doesn't even make sense... Maybe after I type it all out I'll have some clarity. Sometimes it works that way for me. I have to "see it on paper". I'm not mad at God for any of this. People keep asking me if I'm mad. Do I seem mad?? Because, I'm not one bit mad. Am I upset? Yes. Am I sad? Yes. Am I heartbroken? Yes. Confused? Yes. Worried? Yes (yah i know it's a sin to worry-cut me some slack people). Do I understand all the whys? No. But am I mad? NO. I have nothing to be mad about. Plus, being mad takes too much energy, and I just don't have that kind of energy right now! I can honestly say that if it was only myself I had to worry about I'd be okay. I could handle that. I'm a big girl, I can lean on God and be okay. BUT- I absolutly cannot stand and watch my baby boy have a broken heart. It's killing me!

Okay, so don't get me wrong, most of the time I go through my day/week and I seem "normal". I'm not having meltdowns every day. I don't even cry every day. I'm not depressed. Then I even wonder if that's normal? Shouldn't I be depressed? Shouldn't I cry every day? See, the thing is, I just can't. I have HOPE. Since it's the week of Easter and all I've really been thinking about this. Easter is about LIVING. I have all this going on, and yah, it feels kind of overwhelming at the moment, but I have to stop- and gain some perspective. This life, it's not about me, it's not even about Brycen. It's about God and what His son did on the cross for us. I don't have to make sense of things. What I need to do is bring Glory to God. No matter what situation, no matter what I'm going through, I need to give it to Him. I'm face down, on my knees begging God to help Ryan and I be able to guide B through this rough time in his life and still come out knowing it's okay, God is good. I am so so so thankful that the little man loves Jesus with his whole heart. This morning he was coughing and his eyes were watering and red (allergies) and he said, "please mommy tell God to make it not hurt". That's what I need to remember, to take it to Him first! He didn't ask ME to make it better, he didn't think he could make it better himself, the first thing he thought of was ASKING GOD. Wow, how is it that my four year old is always teaching ME lessons? See, I'm overwhelmed right now, but it just hit me, I'm TELLING God I'm overwhelmed and asking Him to be w/ me, but only after I cry and think what can "I" do to make things better. I need to go to Him FIRST.

I know this post is all over the place. I hadn't posted in awhile, just couldn't make myself. Don't want to sound nutty (which I'm probably accomplishing through this post anyway!). But today I felt compelled. No matter what we're going through, no matter how "overwhelming" it seems, take it to God first. We can't solve our own problems, actually most of the time we make a bigger mess of things trying to do that. Take it to Him. Tell Him you need Him. Seek Him. There is nothing He doesn't understand. I know He is hurting for me right now. I believe that with my whole heart. So, I'm taking my feelings of being overwhelmed to Him. I'm leaving them at the foot of that cross and I'm being thankful for Life.

Tomorrow is Good Friday. I don't want this stress around. I want to LIVE and be free of it. I read a quote that Andrea Boes had said the other day "live each day like it's the best day to be alive" or something to that affect. That's what I'm doing. I know I'm not the only one who tries to solve their or their kids own problems... so I'm challenging each of you to Give it to HIM.

I want each of you to know today how thankful I am for all of you. I know God has brought us together for a special reason. Whether I know you in "real life" or not I am so thankful for you and I love you.

Romans 15:13- May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

This verse says it all. God fills us w/ JOY and PEACE if we TRUST Him. Then we will have HOPE! Doesn't that just make your heart smile? I know it does mine!

You know what? My headache is gone :)

more random pictures :)

*brycen's swingset got blown over and the ladder was completely destroyed (big huge heavy wooden swingset), so daddy made a new one :) i love having such a handy husband!

those "y's" i was bragging about :)

"be still and know that i am god" the verse i kept and still do keep coming back to after losing andon. i found this sign and thought it would be perfect above a collage of pictures of him!

B playing dr. while daddy was in the ER he thought this mask was really the coolest thing ever :) haha

getting ready to get a haircut from mamaw gizzy :) he loves getting his haircut! i think he is so handsome! i can't believe he is getting so big!

*Wednesday night we had group-it was good as always! This week everyone really got into the discussion which was nice! Sometimes I have something to add to conversations and I hold back and then regret it so I'm really trying not to do that with this group!
*Last night after we got home we ran to Jasper to Home Depot (Ryan finally brought home that bathroom vanity he made and we had to get the new facet and light fixtures for that bathroom (pictures to come). Then we went to Wal-Mart. I was so glad to get walmart out of the way because I was planning on going this evening. Now I can just go straight home-which I am looking VERY forward to!

**Hope everyone has a great weekend! I have a wedding shower tomorrow to go to for my cousin and that's our only plans besides doing stuff around home. I'm so glad for a break from all this running!! Hopefully we can get a lot accomplished outside. Tomorrow we want to get a load of mulch to cover up all our landscaping, it looks pretty bad after the winter! The green house right up the road opens up tomorrow, so we'll be running there to get the mulch. Then I'm sure we'll find plenty of other things to do outside/around the house!

Brycen cheesing-with his grilled cheese sandwich! We went to eat lunch w/ my momma at work.

B & Momma hanging out :)

Yes, he has on pajama's and cowboy boots! His puppies were outside playing and he couldn't wait for me to change his clothes to go outside and play with them! (all the puppies are gone now except the one we're keeping!)

Brycen and Daddy playing ball, not sure who enjoyed this more :)

look at that stance! he sure makes his daddy proud :)

he cut his own food at Mi Pueblo without even being asked to do so! he did a great job too! (Yes, Ryan made fun of me for taking a picture of this!)