Catching Up...

I keep bringing up a new post to write and then nothing comes to my mind... I have a lot on my mind, but I guess the words just aren't there to share anything yet... unusual for me, maybe that's why it feels so weird!

Last Wednesday I was off and Brycen and I just stayed around home all during the day. I cleaned and did laundry and then we played and just hung out all day. Ryan got home and I fixed supper and then we had our Love Language group that night at Dave & Rhoda's. I cannot even tell you all how much I enjoy it! I look forward to it every week, definitely a highlight of my weeks right now. In Sunday School a couple weeks ago we talked about how there are just some people that you come across in life that make you just want to be better, they are just such a ray of light to be around. Rhoda is one of those people for me for sure. (i'm not saying that b/c i know she reads this either- i mean it with my whole heart!).

Thursday was an emotional day for us. We had to go pick out the gravestone for Andon. I have been putting that off. I think why I was putting it off was because, like I told Ryan, it feels like the last thing we really get to do for Andon. We don't get to buy him birthday presents or christmas presents or buy him a toy for learning to go potty or a new bike... no, buying a gravestone makes it pretty final. I love everything that we did on it. Instead of just putting "son of ryan and chelsa" we had them put "Beloved Son-Brother of Ryan, Chelsa, and Brycen". I couldn't leave B's name off. Like I've said numerous times before, he is heartbroken too. He has been a part of everything else and I didn't want to leave him out on this either. The guy did say if, no-make that when, we have another child we can add their name to the brother part. On the back we had them put ...Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. -Mark 10:14
After we did that we went to Ryan's parents and ate Stop-n-Sea for supper & then I had to go to a meeting at church for the new church directory committee. While I was at my meeting Ryan & Brycen got haircuts from Marilyn.

Friday after work my mom, Brycen, and I went to Washington to Wal-Mart & then to eat at Mason's (YUM!). We brought Ryan's food home to him. Friday evening we didn't do anything. Saturday morning we got up and did stuff around the house. That night we went to my cousin Todd's and his wife's Kayla's for supper and to visit. It was a fun evening and relaxing too. It's nice to be around people who just get you and understand everything. They've had 4 months more experience at this then we have. They are so supportive and loving and it's just nice to not feel so "alone" in this... I KNOW that many other people have lost babies, but it's different to actually sit and talk with these two people that I love so much and know that they just "get me" they understand and I don't feel so weird! Don't get me wrong, we totally appreciate everyone else's support too, but like MckMama calls it, we're now in "the club".... ya know, the club of mothers who have lost children.

Sunday we had to get to church early b/c I worked the sign up table for church directory photos. That seemed to go really well! Sunday was also a big day for us, as we became "official members" at Berea! It's so nice to feel so accepted. I'm so content with our church. I think God really did lead us to Berea back when we were searching for "our fit". We had to run by Wal-Mart after church & then we went home and watched a movie. Then B & I took a nap. We went to my parents for supper (taco soup, one of my favorites!). After supper we ended up at the ER with Ryan... All week he had a headache that just WOULD NOT go away and his BP was running high. Yah, ironic that mine goes back to normal and his goes up... High BP runs in the men in his family (dad & grandpa). That night his hand was tingling and his face was tingling and he felt nauseated. He wasn't too happy with me, but I didn't really feel like becoming a widow at age 23, so I made him go to the hospital to get checked out. His BP was 167/99 when we got there. His grandpa had strokes earlier on in life so I was just not taking any chances. They ran a few tests and everything came back looking normal. They gave him something for his pounding head & told him to keep a log of his BP for a week and if he continues to have problems then to see his family dr. So far this week it has been doing better. PTL. His cousin Darla was working in the ER when we went so it was nice to see a familiar face! And both of the guys that ran tests on him were BR graduates. It is a small world!

Yesterday after work Ryan changed the oil in the lawn mower and sharpened the blades, getting ready for spring (although he did already mow once last week!). I fixed supper and B played outside on the porch. Yesterday was B's first day back at daycare. He said he had a lot of fun and they said he did great. I'm glad about that, because I was worried after being out for so long it'd be hard on him to go back. He can write all his uppercase letters and I hadn't really worked on the lower case ones with him. Yesterday they worked on those and his teacher was bragging on him about how good he did on his lowercase y's and r's (sorry, proud mommy moment!). This is the same child that wanted NOTHING to do w/ writing his name awhile back. Just goes with my theory of kids do things in their own time, when they're ready. Our evening last night was relaxing... supper, laundry, bubble bath for mommy, and then B's bath, then I actually got to read some! Brycen has always liked being read to. He got a new Children's Bible and we've started reading out of it every night at bedtime (all three of us lay in B's bed and read). I love this sweet time with our precious little boy. I love how he just soaks it all up!

Well, this post is wordy and again without pictures because the dumb blogger STILL won't let me upload pictures... go figure!

Friday at Kohl's I found a bunch of good deals! I was excited about that. Friday night we went over to Rich & Melissa's for Rich's birthday. Shawn and Audrey and the girls and Greg and Lela were there too. I always enjoy hanging out with such sweet friends :) .



Saturday morning I got up early and went into work for a few hours. When I got home it was such a beautiful day out. We played with the puppies and worked around outside all day. Ryan and Brycen also took some time to play ball (I don't know who enjoyed it more!). haha. Saturday evening we went to visit my Grandpa for a little bit and then went to Mi Pueblo for supper.



Sunday we went to church & then had dinner at Ryan's parents. We went home and the a lady came to pick up the last puppy (well besides the one we are keeping). That's a relief to know they all have good homes now and we don't have to have a hundred dogs! lol. Sunday evening we went to my parents for supper and to visit. Brycen stayed the night b/c my mom is keeping him this week while I'm back to work, yep you read that right, I'm back to work.



Yesterday on my first day back it went well. My morning did not start off good though! My alarm didn't go off, I left my cell phone at home, my whole purse dumped out in the car on the way here...etc.etc.etc. The devil was trying to get to me for sure. I believe that with my whole heart. BUT I didn't let him! I had a good day back. I missed Brycen of course and would rather be home with him, but the day went well! Last night I didn't realize how tired I was until I sat down after supper and was folding laundry. Then I could of just fell over I was so exhausted! Needless to say I went to bed early last night!



This morning B was back to stay with Mamaw Reece (my mom). He really enjoys it there, he's never ready to come home! They always do fun stuff. Yesterday I called to check on him about noon and he said, "I gotta go momma, I'm being a worker man!". It was too cute. They working outside doing some stuff and he was too busy to talk (sounds like his dad, haha!). Today after work I have to meet Ryan at the eye dr. he has an appt. and then wants me to help him pick out his new glasses. I never understand that either, they make you blind as a bat and then ask you to pick out new glasses?! He really needs new ones bad, his are a mess from work and quite old b/c last year he was too stubborn to go back and pick new ones out after his appt.! Hopefully we'll find some nice ones he likes!

***Ok, well I've been trying all day to get pictures to post and it won't!! UGH!

update :)

I have so many pictures I want to post- but our internet at home is super slow (and no we don't even have dial up!). We have been enjoying this beautiful weather sooo much this week and I've gotten back into the groove of taking lots of pictures (plus I had to get a new camera b/c my old one broke so I was excited about using it!). lol :).

Tuesday B had pre-school and then from 11:30 until 5 we were outside playing and I got almost an entire book read! I have the tan lines to prove it to! haha. We went to revival at church that evening.

Wednesday B had pre-school, then we went to Pike Central to eat lunch w/ my momma and then we came home and were outside all afternoon again! When Ryan got home I went to work for a couple hours and then we went to revival again. We went to bed thinking everything was fine... until about 3:30am... then Brycen came to our room PUKING. ewww. I felt terrible for him. The poor boy just kept crying and saying his tummy hurt. He has never had the flu before this so he didn't know what it was like. It was a long rest of the night to say the least. And yesterday... we spent more time IN the bathroom than out of it. This morning though he is as good as new!!

Today we are going to Vincennes to eat lunch, go to walmart, and do a little shopping at Kohl's (i really like that place!). We are going with my mom in a couple hours so that should be fun. Yesterday while Brycen WASN'T in the bathroom I got his closet cleaned out and the summer stuff that still fits or was too big last year hung up in his closet. It always makes me happy to have clean, well organized closets. Lol, I'm a geek.

This is my last day at home. I'm attempting to go back to work on Monday. I was looking forward to it earlier, but now that the weather has been so nice this week I'm dreading it. But I feel like I need to save my time off for later if I need it... since I'm doing fine I will go back. I've been working about 5 hours a week to keep at least a little bit on top of things, so I'm hoping it won't be too terrible to go back. I'm a little bummed b/c it's B's spring break from pre-school, but he will be staying with my mom since it's her spring break too. he is really excited about it and I know they will have lots of fun!

My grandpa isn't doing well at all. The hospice nurse said he would give him about a week to live (this was on wednesday). As we all know, God knows my Papaw's final day. I'm not ready to say good-bye, but I'm ready for him not to suffer anymore. And I don't know if you really get to do this in Heaven, but I want to believe with all my heart that he'll get to hold my precious little Andon baby! Please just say a prayer if you get a chance that these last days/weeks whatever it might turn out to be will be filled with peace for our family and for my papaw.

I also have a wonderful praise! Yesterday I called the Dr. b/c my BP was getting pretty low and making me dizzy. She told me not to take my pill yesterday and see how it did. Well PTL it was normal all day! The highest my bottom no. ever was when I took it was 78! Awesome! Considering just last week WITH medicine it was continuly running about 85. I'm so excited to be medicine free and seemingly HEALTHY!

Well, I better go, as we speak Brycen is running around the chair singing "I've got Jesus in my heart and he forgives my sins, when I go to Heaven when I'm old then I'll kiss you and hug you Jesus". Amen precious child, i'm so glad he does this, it's sunshine to my soul to know he understands grace as much as a four year old possibly can!

sums it up...

The verse-a-day pretty much sums up my life right now.

"Don't be afraid; just believe."
Mark 5:36 (NIV)


I think I have a lot of things I COULD be afraid of but I'm choosing not to be. I'm choosing to believe.

Don't get me wrong, it's not something I can do easily... I have to make the choice about a million times a day~ but with God's guidance that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm choosing to believe in His plan for my life & waiting to see what the future holds. I wonder about the future, but I want to live each day as it comes.

Quote & Due Date

I found this quote on someone else's blog that lost a baby recently. It makes perfect sense to me & brings me great comfort. Tomorrow was my due date with Andon. I'm not sure how I will feel tomorrow and really I don't know how I feel right now, except I know that I'm immensly sad that I have to wait so long to see precious baby, but also hopeful of our future here. I looked at some pictures of Andon today and just longed to hold his fat little fingers (he had my fingers!).
“There is nothing—absolutely no circumstance, no trouble, no testing that can ever touch me until, first of all, it has gone past God and past Christ right through to me. If it has come that far, it has come with a great purpose which I may not understand at the moment. But as I refuse to become panicky, as I lift up my eyes to Him, and I accept it as coming from the throne of God for some great purpose of blessing to my own heart, no sorrow will ever disturb me, no trial will ever disarm me, no circumstance will cause me to fret, and I shall rest in the joy of what my Lord is. That is the rest of victory.”

little update on what we're up to

This week has been busier for us then a lot of the past weeks. I've been trying to take it easy, but that's not easy to do when life is so busy. I started getting sick on Monday and by Tuesday night I was pretty sick :(. I had a fever and all. No fun. Wednesday all day I felt terrible, but my fever was gone so we went ahead to small group that night. It was good to get out of the house and be around people who care about us. Yesterday I woke up feeling quite a bit better. I took B to pre-school and when I picked him up we went to Wal-Mart to get groceries. Yesterday evening we went to our preacher's for supper- we're making it official and becoming members at Berea. I'm sooo excited about it! Supper was great and B had so much fun b/c Eddie has a TONNNN of toy tractors- and those of you who know anything about B know that he lovesssssss tractors! Today I got up and cleaned. Brycen slept in so I was able to get all my cleaning done before he woke up which was nice- went much quicker that way. When he got up we got ready & went to Washington. I took B to McDonalds for lunch & to play. He was such a good boy all day today. I ran into a "blogging friend", Jamie T., at McDonalds, nice to actually talk to people in person, when you feel like you're "friends" anyway! :). When we got home we made cupcakes. YUM. Not the best thing to make though when you still have 5lbs to lose and love cupcakes! haha. I made supper and our friends Brittany and Ricky came for supper and to visit. Our friend Chelsey also stopped by to visit for a bit--such a nice evening! I feel like being anti-social at times, but always feel much better when I'm around people. Well, I need to get to bed, I have to go into work for a little while in the morning to get the payroll done. I haven't been very good at posting pictures, but our internet here at home is sooooo slow when it comes to uploading pics. Hopefully, I'll get back into the swing of things soon.

Dr's Appt. Update

Yesterday I had another check up with the OB. You might not want to know this, but it's important so I'm posting it. My insides look really normal! With all the trauma My body went through this is really a blessing! I haven't talked a lot about to the extent of which I was sick, just that it was VERY serious. When I went into surgery they told Ryan they didn't know if they would be able to save my uterus b/c I was hemorraging so bad and had so much going on. Luckily, when they got in there everything went good and we are soooo very thankful for that. Sooo, now that you know all about my insides I'll move on. haha :). She said she was very happy with my BP yesterday, she said it just takes time. She said it looked much better yesterday. I go back in six weeks (April 21) and I will get to come off my medication then. She did say that if I start to get light headed or dizzy before then from my BP getting too low then to call and she'll adjust it or let me come off it at that time. Soo, it's a waiting game I guess. I know six weeks isn't a long time, especially with how time flies these days, but I am just not very patient. So basically a good check up, just things are going as fast as I would like.

Good news is Shea had baby Brody! He weighed in at 4lbs and 90z. He is in an incubator, but breathing on his own! That is def. an answered prayer. Her BP is still up and she is on medication for it, but doing great otherwise.

Well this is a quick update, I don't have too much to say.

A Bunch of Prayer Requests

I just talked to my mom and they are delivering Shea's baby today. Please keep them in your prayers. She is only 32 (maybe 33 now?) weeks along. They just can't get her blood pressure to come down. I know she is terrified so please just lift her up in prayer if you get a chance and for that precious baby too!

Also, did you notice my new blog design?! Mandy did such a great job on it! I'm sooo thankful to her! I love looking at BOTH my boys pictures every time I look at my blog! It just didn't feel right only having B on there... The bright colors are so perfect for spring too, not to mention they are my favorite :). So---thanks Mandy, you are such a sweetheart!!

My Papaw isn't doing very good at all... I know most of you know the story on him b/c I've talked about him on here before, but it's been awhile. His legs are skinnier than my arms... It's so hard to see my once full of life Papaw laying in a hospital bed in his bedroom, unable to get up and around... and he is in SOOO much pain. It's terrible to watch someone you love so much just lay there in pain, and you aren't able to do anything about it. He is on hospice and they are trying to keep him comfortable, but so far it's just not working too well and he is still having tremendous pain. It's hard because Brycen and Papaw are veryyy close too... and B thinks that Papaw will get better and be able to have water gun fights and stuff like they did last year when it was warm... he talked about this on our way over there on Saturday. Right now I don't have the heart to tell him any different. He knows Papaw is sick and doesn't feel good, but he doesn't know how bad it is... how do you explain that to a four year old? Especially a four year old that just lost the baby brother he prayed about for almost two years? (prayed to get one for a year and then prayed for Andon in my belly for 8 months). I know he is missing Andon sooo very much. He talks about him ALL the time and last night on the way home from my parents he said "momma and daddy let's pray about Andon..." His prayer went something like this-- 'Andon everybody misses you and we love you, but when we all come to Heaven we won't miss you anymore and I will be so happy and I will hug and kiss you'. It was sooo sweet and I love that he still thinks and talks about Andon. I want him to be an open subject in our family to talk about, but it really made me realize just how much he misses him too and that just breaks my heart.

So I really don't know where I was going with all that... just please continue to keep our family in your prayers. On the outside we might appear to be back to "normal", but our hearts are anything but such. We miss our little baby boy sooo much, but are so happy that he doesn't have to have any sufferings in on earth... that makes me especially happy now that I'm watching my Papaw go through all this... Precious Andon will never have to deal with pain! Please pray that we have the strength to continue to watch my Papaw go through this as well...

Oh yes, and I have a praise too! I guess I can post this on my blog because they put pictures up on facebook so it's public now! My cousin Todd & his wife Kayla that lost the twins back in October because they were born wayyy too early (22 weeks I believe?), anyway, most of you remember me talking about that. THEY ARE HAVING A BABY!!! She is due on October 22 (she had the twins on October 12). She is seeing her regular OB (the same one as mine!) & the high risk OB (the same one I will have to see) pretty much every week. Her cervix is too short and that's why she went into labor so early with the twins. They are going to do a cerclage (sp?) at 13 weeks (I believe she is 8 weeks or almost 8 weeks now). I am sooo happy for them! They need our prayers too though, because they are just sooo nervous... understandably so! I sooo hope that she has a long, healthy, uneventful pregnancy! The baby has a lot of little angels up in Heaven watching over him/her!

I'll leave you with a sweet picture of Brycen... he wants to be a police officer (like he is obsessed with them!) The sheriff came to his pre-school a couple weeks ago and he gave them these sheriff hats. Brycen LOVES it! He plays sheriff ALL the time.

(that's pudding all over his face, lol).

BR Vikings & A Good Saturday

Last night we went to watch Barr Reeve in sectional.... don't even get me started! Just want to say GOOD JOB to the boys! Thought I would share this sweet picture of my niece Hailey, Brycen, and nephew Jayce at the game! They are quite the Viking fans! Not sure what we will do if Brycen turns out to be a Charger... not sure that you can have the last name Knepp and go to Pike... haha!




Anyway, after the game we went over to Rich & Melissa's and ate some pizza and watched a movie. B & Isaac played... wow, those two are a handful when they are together! Greg and Lela were there too. I'm always so thankful for such great friends who love us so much. I had a pounding headache (wonderful hormones trying to get back to normal I think) and was glad to get home and crawl in bed.


This morning we slept in a little bit and then I got up and went into work for a couple hours... yah, I'm not really released from the docter to work yet, but I figure a few hours a week can't hurt... it helps me to feel better mentally when I use my brain. I came home and picked up B and we went to my parents. My mom and I went on a walk and B rode on his little scooter thing. The walking really helped my BP I believe b/c it's been great all day! Whoo hoo! I love this weather. Ryan cleaned out our "dirty garage" (that's what Brycen calls it!). I opened the windows and wow it just felt great! This weather really does me good. I could just feel the hope in my heart all day long. I miss Andon, but I could feel him here with us too, his smile in the sunshine. Matthew 5:4- Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. Thank you God for the beautiful day.


This evening I am tired from doing more than I have in awhile, but I feel really really good. I think I'm getting back to "normal" physically, whatever that is. haha.... well and minus the five or so lbs I still need to lose! We are just lazing around this evening... that's nice for once!


I haven't heard anything from my mom about Shea & baby so I'm praying that's a good sign!

**I wrote this last night and couldn't get it to post for some reason. That's why it sounds like it does! Today we went to church & then to Ryan's parents for lunch. Now we are just at home, Ryan is watching the race and I'm doing this and watching B play.... Probably need to go give B a nap now! Tonight we're going to my parents for supper.

Please Pray

I just spoke with my mom and a girl (her name is Shea) that was a couple years behind me in school just had her 32 week appointment. They are sending her to the hospital to be observed for 24 hours b/c they believe she is going into pre-eclampsia. Her mom works at the school with my mom and she came to my mom really upset and was on her way to the hospital. Please, if you get a chance lift up this sweet girl in your prayers. I'm sure she is scared. Please keep the sweet little baby in your prayers as well. If the baby does have to be born 8 weeks too early please pray for his health.

This really hits home with me and I'm just praying so hard for these two! She will be at the same hospital that I was, so I know she will be getting great care! Her Docter is also in the same practice as mine. Ultimately, God is the Healer of all Healers and He is watching over them!

Be Still... again :)

Last night Ryan and I started in a new small group. We are studying the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It was our first night and I already love love love it. My heart was just so full of love when we left there. I love connecting with people and I really felt that last night. Too bad we can't just stay in a little cocoon like that all the time, right?

I'm not working right now... and after today I don't want to go back at all! There is so much drama going on there at work... and I don't know how I am getting involved when I am at home, trying to heal mentally and physically... I am a worry wart by nature so even though these aren't my own personal problems I worry about them. I am also a "fixer" by nature. I want to "fix" everything... and even though I KNOW I can't, it's hard to sit back and not worry or try to fix... this is why I wish I wouldn't even know about what is going on! Seriously! I have enough to deal with... I really like my job and what I do, but I have no room in my life for drama! I want to scream ,"HELLO PEOPLE THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN THE WORLD!!!!". But that might be a little much. haha.

Anyway, it just put a damper on my day... here i was enjoying time at home with B, enjoying the sunshine and warmer weather and praying pretty much all day for people, for myself, about our future, just praising God too and now I just feel like crying! Okay, so enough of my own drama... I got on here to blog, because I just needed to vent. The verse-a-day spoke to me... as always...

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."
Exodus 14:14 (NIV)

So there it is.... I come back to it.... "Be Still..." Yes, Lord, I hear you! I'm working on it! I need to quit thinking so much, quit worrying so much, and just listen... just hear God speak to me like only He can do. Thanks for the reminder God... obviously I'm a slow learner, I need lots of reminders! So today I'm thankful that we have a God who understands... he understands it all. No matter if what we're going through is big or small. No matter how trivial God knows what is on our hearts. I have a lot on my own heart, so thank you God for knowing, for caring, and for fighting for me. I'll try to be still. :)

Thankful Heart

I can't believe it has been one month today since Andon was born. This past month has really flown by. Which seems kind of funny since it kind of seemed like my world stopped when I learned he didn't have a heartbeat anymore and he'd already gone to be with Jesus... Guess it is funny how stuff like that works. Today the verse-a-day really lifted me up.

"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever."
1 Chronicles 16:34 (NIV)

We (our family) might be going through a difficult time, a valley in this earthly life, but we have so much to be thankful for. The most important is that we're all saved by the grace of Jesus Christ. We know we will be with Andon again, so no matter how heartbroken we are, we still have to rejoice and have comfort in that. This life is just for a little while (thank goodness!). We also have a precious four year old that is so sweet and innocent! I thank God for him many times a day because I know B gives me a reason to get up every morning. Like I've said many times, he is sunshine to my soul. Also, I'm thankful that God blessed us with Andon. Although our time with him was way too short for our liking we had time with him and our lives are so much richer for that. Something not quite so "deep", but I'm very thankful the month of February is over. I think with March comes signs of hope and life, spring is coming very soon! I am so ready for warm weather and sunshine. I think that no matter what we are going through in life, we still have to give thanks for the Lord, because He is good. Isn't there a saying that says "a thankful heart is a glad heart"? I've found that to be very true in life.

Wash or Worship?!

Today was the first Sunday we've been able to be at church in three weeks! I have been missing church so much. I was THRILLED to be there this morning! What a blessing.

On our way home I asked B what his Sunday School lesson was and what the scripture verse was. He said it was "Worship the Lord.". So I looked at his papers, and he was right, that was their verse. I asked him, "Well, Brycen how can we worship the Lord?" He said, without hesitation, "At the car wash." :)

We had to explain the difference between "wash" and "worship" :).

Thank you Lord, for this precious little boy, and for giving me the opportunity to teach him about You and Your Ways. Thank you for his sweet spirit and innocence and for his ability to bring a smile to my face and laughter to my soul. Amen.