i don't know

it has been over 2 months now since i have posted a blog... i'm still not very good at this! right now i need something mindless to keep me occupied for a few minutes... i don't have anything good to write about. anything i write right now would probably be depressing... but it helps just to see these words come across the page... reminds me that i'm alive, and that God is here... and he loves me.

on a brighter note, B decided to sleep in his own bed last night. amazing. over the past year we have pleaded with him, begged him, and yes, even bribed him to sleep in his own bed. i had pretty much given up... and this week, in a week of grieving and mourning, i enjoyed having his little body curled up next to mine. his arm haphazardly thrown around me in the middle of the night... awakening to his sweet sleeping noises... but no, he had a different plan. yesterday when we got home and we were sitting on the floor looking at his valentines AGAIN, he said, "mommy, i'm going to sleep in my own bed tonight, like a big boy." i just said, "okay brycen, if that's what you want to do." i didn't think much about it... baby boy has said this often over the past year, but then never went through with it at bedtime. so when bedtime rolled around and after we brushed teeth and used the potty i was expecting him to jump up in mommy and daddy's bed. he didn't. he said, "mommy i need a night light." so we took a little lamp and turned it on, and he crawled in his bed and i tucked him in... we said prayers and gave lots of hugs and kisses... we went back to our bedroom and layed down. at this point i was still a sceptic. i didn't think it would last too awful long. i kept listening for the pitter patter of little feet, but i never heard them... not until daddy's alarm went off this morning. i'm so proud of B... but yet it breaks my heart more, because obviously he is growing up...way too quickly for me! i asked him if he liked sleeping in his big boy bed, and he replied, "yes, mommy, i have a lot more room!" seriously, are you kidding me?! i've been falling off the edge of the bed for the past year and you're telling me you have more room! i about couldn't contain my laughter! : ) brycen is such a blessing... in the midst of tears and struggles... fears and anxiety... he can still me smile... from the inside out.

this picture is B before his Christmas party at "school". he was so excited about it!

this is ryan and i at the colt's game (one of ryan's christmas presents from me!)