2 Corinthians 12:9

As some of you know, some may not, we have been struggling over the past year... struggling w/ infertility that is. I started off thinking ONE month of trying was too much, then two, then three, and so on... It has been discouraging & heart breaking. We've done more soul searching and praying than I ever thought possible. We reached month EIGHT of trying and I felt different. I don't know, what exactly felt different, but I just felt different. I was at WalMart a few days before I was supposed to start and I just decided to pick up a test. I had sworn off pregnancy tests b/c all they had brought me for months was a big disappointing NO. I went home that night and put the tests away, under the sink. It was a Friday to be exact. We are usually busy on Friday nights so this was unusual to be at home. I went about my evening, cooking supper and just hanging out w/ Ryan & Brycen. I was getting B ready for bed when I remembered the test. I got him put down to sleep and thought, "oh what the heck, I'll go take it." (this is about 2 days before I was supposed to start). I took the test and then put it aside and started brushing my teeth (yes i washed my hands :)) anyway- I finished and looked over at the test... It was POSITIVE... I could not believe my eyes! I started jumping up and down and screaming for Ryan (i'm sure he thought something was wrong). I showed him the test (he didn't act nearly as excited as i did!). He told me I needed to take another the next day or something... Anyway, I took another one right then and it was positive too. We called EVERYONE we could think of (it was getting late at this point, but we were SO excited!). The next day I went and bought a digital test, just to make sure our eyes weren't lying to us! It said, "PREGNANT". We were thrilled. I was on cloud 9! B was so happy, he had been praying for a healthy baby w/ us for eight months. For about a week we were on cloud 9 and just couldn't stop smiling.... Then on the next Wednesday I had some spotting... I was devasted. I called the hospital and they said not to worry, that some spotting was normal, but I knew in my heart that something was wrong. They told me to take it easy and if it got worse to come in. The next day (Valentines Day) I woke up and KNEW something was wrong. I got into the dr. that morning and he said how sorry he was, but he thought that I was having a miscarriage. They did bloodwork and sure enough my pregnancy level was pretty low, my progestrone was VERY low as well (.75). They would not tell us right then though that I miscarried. We had to wait two very long days and go back and do blood work to confirm that my levels had dropped. It was a time of praying, hoping, even pleading w/ God for a miracle. I never stopped believing that he could prevent the miscarriage. His answer was, "No." I never waivered in my faith. I would actually have to say that it brought me closer w/ the Lord. I'm not saying it was easy, these have been some of the darkest days of my life, but I know that the Lord has a good plan for my life (Jer. 29:11). I trust him implicitly. It doesn't make all the hurt go away or the yearning for a baby go away. I still deal w/ those feelings on a daily basis. Actually at times they consume my mind and I might feel a tad crazy b/c it's all I can think of. It hurts when Brycen asks, "mommy are we EVER going to have a baby?" I want to tell him yes... but honestly, I don't know. I don't know what God's plans are for our lives, but we will continue to seek after His will daily. I went to the dr. for my check up last Wednesday. We are going to start some testing on July 9th, since it has now been over a year of trying. We were able to get pregnant in that year, so that is a good thing, but I just want to ask you all for your prayers. They would be very much appreciated, whatever the Lord's answer is, his Grace is sufficient for us. We will stand strong in our walk w/ the Lord, through the valleys and the peaks. I haven't talked much about my miscarriage, except w/ a few people... I know most people know about it, but maybe not how we feel about it. I just want everyone to know, that no matter how bad it hurts, we still believe. I'll try to keep everyone updated on our tests and such... I don't want this to be a sad post or for people to feel sorry for us, I just wanted everyone to know how we are feeling and where we are at. We are so thankful that the Lord has blessed us w/ Brycen. He is our sunshine on the dark days! He fills our lives w/ joy and love. Hopefully, one day he will get to be a big brother, b/c he'll make the best! We start that testing on July 9th and should have results from that about a week later... so hopefully I'll have an update in a couple weeks!! LOVE YOU ALL. Thanks for all your prayers and support. They mean more to us then you could ever know!

2 Corinthians 12:9-And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.