200th Post... Talk for Antioch...

I cannot believe it is my 200th post... I talk too much :). It seems like it was just my 100th post! haha. Anyway, I thought that I would go ahead and post what I spoke about on video for Antioch. (sorry for anyone who goes there, you might not want to go ahead and read it, or you might want to and just ignore the video, b/c it is quite possible I look silly!).

They asked me to address 3 questions. I will type those out and then give you my answer so it all makes sense.

When is a time in my life when I have had to totally lean on God?

*In June 2007, my husband Ryan and I decided we were ready to have another child. I never dreamt that it would be anything but easy to have another baby. Boy was I wrong! We tried and tried and tried some more- it just wasn't happening. Anyone who has had to try for a baby knows how each month is a roller coaster of emotions while you are trying to conceive. The only that that got me through each month & each disappointment was God's promise . Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD,"plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope & a future".

Eight months into the trying, and when I say trying, I mean trying every trick in the book. Anything you've heard of, we tried! After all that we found out I was expecting. I cannot explain the joy that I felt. I was praising God more than ever before. He had answered my prayers and I knew he had heard all my pleas. We told everyone we knew. I was so light-hearted, finally, after eight months of fears & doubts. One week later, at 5 weeks pregnant I started spotting. I had a miscarriage on Valentines Day 2008. I was so lost. I once again clung to scripture. Romans 8:28 says "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love, who have been called according to his purpose." I remember going over and over this in my head. I also still put my hope in Jeremiah 29:11 because I know I can trust God and his promises to me.

We started trying again right away. It just wasn't happening for us. I went for a check up in late June. The doctor agreed it was time to start testing to see if there was a specific thing keeping us from having a successful pregnancy. We were to start that testing on July 9th, On July 6th, 2008 we found out we were expecting once again. Wow, what a "God thing"! We were ecstatic, but also this time we were nervous, we knew anything could go wrong. The first 12 weeks were nerve-wracking, each day I had to wake up and give it to God. In October we found out we were having another precious little boy. We chose his name and started calling him Andon. On Monday February 2, 2009 my blood pressure started rising. I called the doctor. and they told me to rest and come in to my appointment the next day.

I never made it to that appointment. I woke up in the early morning of February 3rd in excruciating pain. I didn't know what was wrong, but I knew it was bad. I kept blacking out. We got to the hospital and they hooked me up to a monitor- only to tell us our precious Andon had no heartbeat. I was crushed. I was then rushed to an emergency c-section while they worked to save my life. Andon was perfect. At only 34 weeks he was 5lbs and 5oz., 19 inches long, and had a head full of hair. My placenta had abrupted and I was bleeding to death internally. They were able, along with God's will, to save my life. I remember waking up hours later in ICU surrounded by friends and family and saying, "God has a bigger plan, it's ok." Looking back I know it was Him speaking through me b/c there is NO WAY that came from me alone.

Back in February I wrote on my blog, "So many people have said how strong I am... and because I want to be totally honest & really reflect me and my family and our faith and values, I want to tell you all... that I do not feel strong. I feel totally weak and helpless, but I also know that that's ok, because when I am at my weakest that's when God can really work on me. When I am weak and don't feel like I can do anything myself, that's when I have to rely on God the most, which is actually what he wants from us at all times. I went on to say I doubt I will ever know the reason that God wanted Andon back so soon... at least not while I'm on Earth... And that's ok. I am NOT strong. I know I don't have to be, God will be my strength.

I'm not here to tell you this has been easy, but it would be even worse if I didn't have God with me every step of the way. I'm thankful that we have a God who understands...he understands it all. No matter if what we are going through is big or small, no matter how trivial it is, God knows what is on our hearts--and he cares.

Question 2- How has God brought Victory through this?

*I'm not sure that I'm far enough out of this valley to see all of God's victories that have come from Andon's short life. I do feel that many people I know have grown closer to the Lord or even come to know the Lord for the first time after learning about Andon.

Honestly, some days I just want to cry. I want to say, "God I've had enough, I can't take anything else". Who better to understand than God? He gave up His only son for us, for me. He understands my heart ache, all of our heartaches.

I absolutely cannot fathom going through this and not having our Father here to fall into his arms and weep and know that this life isn't the end.

One huge victory is my own personal faith and relationship with Christ. I've had to learn that God is the only way, the only person that can me through. Before this I tried doing things on my own and if that didn't work, then I went to God. Now I go to Him first. I try not to live with in my life only when I need him, but live my entire life FOR HIM.

Question 3- What would I tell someone going through this?

*I would tell someone going through this to find a Christan mentor, someone who has walked the same road ahead of you. My cousin and his wife lost their twins 4 months before we lost Andon. They have been a huge inspiration and help to me. It helps to feel less alone when you have someone who has been there and who knows how you feel.

I would also tell you to let yourself feel the emotions that come. God gave us feelings for a reason. I've learned a lot about myself through my emotions. But you cannot get so lost or caught up in your emotion that you lose sight of God--always keep your eyes on Him, your eyes set on the ultimate goal, Heaven, where you will see your precious baby once again.