tomorrow!

tomorrow is our day! i can't wait to leave, i'm counting the hours!
... hopefully i'll get packed ... : ) at least the swim suits/trunks! haha



these are pictures of brycen last year in fla... almost exactly a year ago actually... i can't believe how much he has grown!

Clean...

Yesterday I got home an hour early... I didn't realize what I could get done in an hour! Every since I miscarried I have done the minimal around the house. I've kept up the laundry and picked up messes, but that's about it. It has also drove me insane that I had no energy to do anything else. So yesterday with my extra hour before Ryan & Brycen got home, I cleaned. I cleaned like a banshee really. I dusted, I vacummed, I swept the hard wood and tile floors, and I mopped those. I scrubbed the kitchen sink, I cleaned the bathrooms, and I decluttered Brycen's toy room. (okay the bathrooms and decluttering the toy room, piled over into the time after Ryan had picked up Brycen and came home!) But still! I was so glad I got all this done. I also got Brycen's summer clothes washed up (since we're leaving in TWO days for the beach!). Then I still had the energy to make supper. (just spaghetti and breaksticks, but so what, I cooked it!). Today is two weeks since I started spotting. It feels like a life time ago some moments, but at others it feels like yesterday. I'm still struggling, but I'm living. I'm making the most of all the time I have with Brycen, and trying to see the joy in what he sees the joy in! He's so excited about leaving for Fla. we have been counting down the number of times we have to sleep until we can leave! And if I want to be honest, I'm just about as excited as he is! Now for the packing.... um haven't even started! I made a list last night of everything (i think i have everything on the list?) that we need to pack... But as for starting to pack.... um no. I have ZERO, NADA, NOTHING packed... that's stressing me out a little bit : ) But then again, I'm too excited to care too much... I know it will get done... probably Friday... yes, I know that's the day we leave, but I think I'm going to take the day off, or at least half day! Anyway, I know this post is pretty pointless... actually all of mine are, but just wanted to post something!

Well this weekend was a welcome relief! I'm finally feeling better from my sinus infection! Saturday I went with my best friend Chelsey to pick out her wedding dress... we went to Indianapolis so the three hour drive was a relaxing time, to chat and catch up... she makes me feel so loved, so comfortable, and so accepted. I just love this girl to pieces. We went to eat at the Noodle Co. for lunch, then went to her appt. at the dress shop! It was so fun watching her try on dresses, she has been aching to get married for quite awhile, I'm so happy that this is the season in her life for that! She found "the dress!" After the dress escapade we went to the mall and just browsed basically. Her sister is in college in Indy so we met her, she is like a little sister to me too, so it was great to see her! We went to Olive Garden for supper (delicious!). We didn't get home until 11pm! I was exhausted, but such a fun day! It was nice to relax and not have anything that "had" to be done and no responsibility. Brycen and Ryan stayed home together... they went over to Ryan's parents and they both got much needed hair cuts! They both look great! Yesterday we went to church and then over to Ryan's parents for lunch. It was a yummy meal like always. My sis-n-law, Sonya, looks like she is about to pop! I'm praying she doesn't have the baby while we are in Fla. I was in the room with her while Hailey was born, and I'm supposed to be again this time! I don't want to miss out on it! Jayce turned seven this past week, I can't believe that, he was 2 months old when Ryan and I started dating! Where does the time go?

today...

Well, yesterday I posted this blog about being okay. Well, I am... but there have been some rough patches since that post as well. Yesterday, I went home from work sick... Emotionally exhuasted and sick with a stupid sinus infection. I was mad that nothing seemed to be going right, but really I just needed some rest and medicine. Ryan was wonderful and he picked Brycen up from daycare and took him to his dr. appt (b/c he's sick too!). The dr. gave us both medicine, even though I wasn't there. I was very thankful for this, but our family dr. is my OB as well, so obviously he knew what I was going through, and the thought of going back to the dr's office this week just made me sicker. So anyway, we got our medicine and my spirits were getting higher... then my best friend at work called (the one who is pregnant). She had her first sonogram yesterday (which I was supposed to call her and check to see how things went, but with not feeling well it totally slipped my mind). I am SOO excited for her. She has never had a baby before and is 28. She is great with kids, and has yearned for one for a long time, so I am super excited for her. BUT it also just made me sad for myself. She is due September 24, we would of only been 4 weeks apart in our due dates... we were so excited about being pregnant together. Now I know she is scared to talk to me about things, even though I do want her to, I don't want to feel left out of her pregnancy, even though it does hurt if I think about it too much... I don't even know if I'm making sense, but I just need to get this out... I feel like I'm being mean when I feel sad, even though I know it's completely normal. It seems that everyone around me is pregnant... When it took us seven months to get pregnant I thought that was the worst ever, when everyone kept telling me they were pregnant, I just wanted to be able to share the same happy news... and then we did... and then we only got to be happy for a week. :( I know this probably sounds like a pity party, if you have even made it this far with out thinking I'm obnoxious. I don't want to throw myself a pity party, but I'm just trying to make some sense of how I feel. My sister in law is 35 weeks along now. Her mucous plug came out yesterday morning, so we'll be having a new niece soon. I'm super excited for a new niece to love on, but it still hurts. They started trying the same month we did, and she got pregnant that first month. I just have all these "what ifs" and "why Gods". I HATE HATE HATE feeling like I'm questioning God. I don't want to, I DO trust Him, but I just have all these questions and emotions and feelings running through my head. Things that I don't want to say out loud. Anyway... enough of my complaining and whining and crying for today... I hate being so negative.
On a postive note, B slept in his bed for the THIRD night in a row last night! Go B!! I miss snuggling him up in the mornings, but I know he is SO proud of himself and that makes me even prouder of him! Love this boy to pieces!!

1. Do you wear a name tag at work? I have a name tag, I do not wear it, it's clipped on my purse
.2. What kind of car do you drive? Buick Rendezvous
3. What do you order when you go to Taco Bell? nacho cheese gordita w/ chicken, cinnamon twists and a pop
4. Have you ever had a garage sale? yep, they are a lot of work though
5. What color is your iPod? i don't have one, but my cell phone is one too and it's teal
6. What kind of dog do you have? we have two, they are part beagle and part bassett (adorable!)
7. What's for dinner tonight? haven't thought that far ahead yet
8. What is the last alcoholic beverage you had? not a big drinker... i did have a strawberry daqueri on my birthday though
9. Stupidest thing you ever did with your cell phone? dropped it on the sidewalk? left it unattended on the bathroom counter and brycen "washed it" for me!
10. Last time you were sick? i'm sick right now! :(
11. How long is your hair? too short for me, right above my shoulders
12. Are you happy right now? i've been happier
13. What did you say last?"thanks for asking me to lunch!"
14. Who came over last? jordan
16. Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?Nope
17. What is your favorite key chain on your keys? um i have a dolphin one i got on our honeymoon, i have a domestic violence awareness ribbon one from a work conference, and i have one that says "liquor leaves you breathless, drugs leave you senseless, Jesus won't leave you regardless" that i got for senior night of cheerleading in h.s. it's really old and scratched up, but my best friend's mom gave them to us and it just means a lot to me
18. What was the last movie you watched at home? bob the builder lol
19. What is in your pocket?Nothing.
20. Who introduced you to your crush? Annie
21. Where do you hurt? my sinus cavities in my face lol YUCK
22. Has someone ever made you a Build-A-Bear? yep
23. What DVD is in your DVD player? bob the builder
24. What's something funny you did today? made a joke at lunch
25. Who was the principal of your high school? Ms. Kelley
26. Has your house ever been TPd? yes, thank you to my wonderful middle school cheerleaders : ) love those girls
27. What do you think of when you hear the word 'meow'?Huh?! A Cat
.28. What are you listening to right now? my little heater under my desk
29. Drinkin? diet rite zero
30. What is your favorite aisle at Wal-Mart? i try not to browse! just get what we need and go
31. When is your birthday? July 16
32. What's the area code for your cell phone? ...
33. Where did you buy the shirt you're wearing now? kohl's
34. Is there anything hanging from your rear view mirror? a cross necklace
35. How many states in the US have you been to? a lot?
37. What are you going to do after this? get back to doing some work
38. Who was the last person you went shopping with? ryan and brycen
40. What about your favorite dessert? love them all lol!
41. What is something you need to go shopping for? new jeans all mine are frayed at the bottom
42. Do you have the same name as one of your relatives? no
43. What kind of car do your siblings drive? my little brother drives a 2007 jeep wrangler, my sister n law drives a caravan, my brother n law drives a ford ranger, and my other brother n law drives a f-150
44. Do you like pickles? i don't dislike them
45. What about olives? no thanks
47. What is your favorite kind of juice? i like a lot of juice
48. Do you have any tan lines? i wish! but we're going to fla in a week sooo
49. What hospital were you born in? jasper memorial in jasper in
50. Do you remember the name of your kindergarten teacher? mrs. fisher

okay i'm done w/ the torture now : )

2 nights in a row...

As you can see if you read my previous post, I was very proud of B for sleeping in his bed, all on his own the night before last... Last night I still didn't know if he would do it again, or if it was just a fluke. Apparently, it wasn't too much of a fluke, because he crawled up in his bed and wanted me to turn the lights off! Two nights in a row! I don't know what got into my baby boy! He is so proud though... Ryan went and bought him a punching bag (bop bag?) with Spiderman on it. Ryan must of been pretty proud too! He made a special trip by wal-mart on his way home from work yesterday to purchase it! I thought it was pretty sweet.

As for my emotions... well today everything is still on my mind... in my head... always, but I'm doing better today... I know tomorrow might be a totally different story, or even five minutes from now, but for today, for this moment, I'm surviving.

i don't know

it has been over 2 months now since i have posted a blog... i'm still not very good at this! right now i need something mindless to keep me occupied for a few minutes... i don't have anything good to write about. anything i write right now would probably be depressing... but it helps just to see these words come across the page... reminds me that i'm alive, and that God is here... and he loves me.

on a brighter note, B decided to sleep in his own bed last night. amazing. over the past year we have pleaded with him, begged him, and yes, even bribed him to sleep in his own bed. i had pretty much given up... and this week, in a week of grieving and mourning, i enjoyed having his little body curled up next to mine. his arm haphazardly thrown around me in the middle of the night... awakening to his sweet sleeping noises... but no, he had a different plan. yesterday when we got home and we were sitting on the floor looking at his valentines AGAIN, he said, "mommy, i'm going to sleep in my own bed tonight, like a big boy." i just said, "okay brycen, if that's what you want to do." i didn't think much about it... baby boy has said this often over the past year, but then never went through with it at bedtime. so when bedtime rolled around and after we brushed teeth and used the potty i was expecting him to jump up in mommy and daddy's bed. he didn't. he said, "mommy i need a night light." so we took a little lamp and turned it on, and he crawled in his bed and i tucked him in... we said prayers and gave lots of hugs and kisses... we went back to our bedroom and layed down. at this point i was still a sceptic. i didn't think it would last too awful long. i kept listening for the pitter patter of little feet, but i never heard them... not until daddy's alarm went off this morning. i'm so proud of B... but yet it breaks my heart more, because obviously he is growing up...way too quickly for me! i asked him if he liked sleeping in his big boy bed, and he replied, "yes, mommy, i have a lot more room!" seriously, are you kidding me?! i've been falling off the edge of the bed for the past year and you're telling me you have more room! i about couldn't contain my laughter! : ) brycen is such a blessing... in the midst of tears and struggles... fears and anxiety... he can still me smile... from the inside out.

this picture is B before his Christmas party at "school". he was so excited about it!

this is ryan and i at the colt's game (one of ryan's christmas presents from me!)