Appt. Update!

I just got home from the Dr. just wanted to let you all know that it went good! Someone must of been praying b/c I only cried a little bit when she asked me how I was! My Dr. (Dr. Melissa Reisinger at st. Mary's for those of you who have asked!) cried as well, so that made me feel better! I was able to get all my questions (well all the ones I could remember!) out very clearly. I met with her for about an hour. She honestly is the most wonderful docter, I feel very blessed to have her. My kidney and liver functions are all back to normal! yayy! that's a very good thing! My BP is still elevated, but not anything crazy anymore. She said that it's actually lower right now than it was at this point after Brycen so that was more good news. For those of you that are wondering, yes we do plan on trying again. We know there are risks, and I will see a high risk (perinatologist sp??) along with my OB next time. It is possible that I will have HELLP again, but I will be monitored very very closely the next time. We feel very lead to have another child (obviously not right now, but in the future) and we feel that the good outweighs the risk and we also believe that God will take care of us and the baby. Of course it will be very nerve wracking, at this point I don't even want to think about how nerve wracking, but with God we will attempt this again at some point. My Dr. was very supportive of this decision and talked about what the plan will be. She will be very quick to put me in the hospital next time with any sign or any seemingly small complication to be monitored. At the first sign of distress (of me or the baby) the baby would be delivered, hopefully we wont' have to deal with that though. My incision looks great, she said it is healing very fast and was very happy with it. I go back to see her in two weeks to check on my BP again and she said she will probably cut my dose in half at that time if it keeps coming down like it is. She might also do some blood work to check and make sure I wouldn't need Heparin shots next time. After that two week check up I think she said I will see her again about 2 weeks after that and then hopefully be able to come off the BP med. altogether. I love my dr. and I'm very happy with the care I'm receiving. Today gave me a sense of calming about some things in the future. I know Dr.'s don't know it all and ultimately God is the one in control though.

Going to the Dr.

This afternoon I'm headed off to the Dr's office for a check up. I think mainly to check my incision and make sure it's healing properly (it looks great, well as great as a 6 inch bikini cut can look) haha. I know she is going to ask me if I have questions, I pray I will have the clarity in that moment to ask the ones I do have. I also hope I won't be bawling the whole time. It's just when people are so nice, like my Dr. is I cry more! Lol, I've ALWAYS been like that. I know it doesn't matter if I cry, I'd just like to get my questions out clearly! Ryan can't go to my appt. with me because we refinanced our house to a much better interest rate (can I get an Amen on saving money?!) and he has to close on the house today. While I was in the hospital he got Power of Attorney for me so he could do the closing so I wouldn't have to sit for so long and sign papers... obviously I'm very grateful for that, but wish he could go with me too... My mom is picking me up and then B at pre-school and we're going to go have lunch and B has a gift card for Toys R Us, so if time allows before my appt. maybe he can go use that. I have a lot I would like to do while in Evansville, but this past weekend I tried fitting in a bunch of stuff and ended up wearing myself out... It's hard for me to remember I'm still recovering from being so sick, when I physically feel good! After today I should be able to drive again! I'm so glad about that. The past few days my blood pressure has started really staying down. My top number is now normal (running about 120), not really normal for me, but normal nonetheless! My bottom no. has gotten down to as low as 81! It's been running between 85-90 consistently though. It's still high, but way better than in the hundreds it was running sooo! Hopefully, it will go back to being completely normal here soon! Well, I better go get ready, please pray that I get only good news at the dr. today! I'll update if I find out anything important! :)

Thank you all for your continued prayers, we can feel them. LOVE YOU ALL.

Be Still

God keeps bringing one thing back to my mind... "Be still and Know that I am God". With everything in me I Know that He is God, but it is the "be still" part that I need to work on. My mind seems to go 1000 miles an hour in about 1000 different directions all day long. I think about Andon, I think if we will be able to have more kids, I think if this will happen again, I think about Heaven, I just think think think... about things I wish I didn't have to be thinking about. And always, I come back to "Be Still and Know that I am God".

Ultimately, it doesn't matter how many different things or scenarios I go over and over and over in my head, because God already knows the big picture. He already knows the whole story. He already has our lives written... He knew before we were even here. I believe this with my whole heart, sometimes though it's easier to believe then to live that out.

So... I'm trying, trying really hard to catch myself when I can't quit thinking and hoping and wishing about the past... and the future... and I'm trying really hard just to "be still...".

I know eventually that God will reveal more of His plan for my life, I'm just not very good at waiting...

Puppy

So B really wanted to keep the white puppy... come to find out the white puppy is the ONLY girl puppy and we told him he had to keep a boy... darn ;). So he decided to keep this little cutie!

Dinko (don't ask where B comes up with these names, b/c I have NO idea!)

he is the fattest of them all! (i'm talking like rolls upon rolls) this picture doesn't do him justice! the puppies are all starting to play with each other, but this little stinker is so fat he just waddles around and watches them!!

We still have at least 2 maybe 3 to give away..... any takers?!

so sad

I know so many pregnant gals... and they are all still in my prayers daily. I would never want anyone to go through what we are going through. No one should have to bury their child. While I was in the hospital another couple lost their baby as well (full term I believe). I only know this from hearing it from the nurses and the sign that was posted on their room number. My heart has been hurting for that family, that I never met, as well. Today I read on Shaya's blog that her sister lost her baby at the end of January (i'm so behind on blogging still). My heart hurts once again for her. I feel her pain. Also, my sweet friend Ali had a miscarriage and I know her heart is hurting. I can't say I know exactly what these other families are feeling b/c everyone's journey is different, but I'm sure it's some of the same feelings that we are feeling. Just about five minutes ago I received a text from my mom that a good friend of mine and friends of our family lost their baby. She was 16 weeks along. My heart is just breaking even more for this sweet family. She delivered the baby at the same hospital (Deaconess Women's Hospital) as what I did. One of the nurses that works there and that I had the privelege of being cared for by is best friends w/ my momma. She said that since I was in the hospital FIVE babies have passed away. I almost typed "five babies have been lost", BUT then I realized how wrong that sounds... b/c they aren't lost. We know that all babies go to Heaven. That's the comfort us hurting mommy's have. We (if you accept Jesus Christ as your Savior) will be able to hold our babies again. Anyway, sorry that got me off track.

I just wanted to ask you all to pray... I have felt soooo soooo soooo (and that's not an exaggeration either!) surrounded by love and prayer since we lost Andon and I want to make sure that all these hurting mom's feel that same power of prayer. It makes me feel not so alone to know that other people are going through the same thing, BUT I wish that they didn't have to feel the pain I feel in my heart knowing Andon can't ever sleep in his crib, bounce in his bouncer or be drug around by his big brother ;).

Jen Swartzentruber gave me this verse, And Jesus said,"Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as the." John 10:14. I am so comforted by this verse and knowing Andon is up in Heaven in Jesus' Rocking Chair (amazing song we played at his service). He and all these other little babies are running around playing and so happy, happier then we will ever be on Earth. So although our hearts hurt and we yearn for our babies we have to be happy for them.

Brycen The Clown

Thought I would share this picture that I stole off of my sister in law's blog :) Brycen w/ all the little girls at Hailey Brooke's (my nieces) birthday party. He is going to be the class clown for sure!

This little man helps keep me going each minute. His smile is infectious. I am truely blessed with him. <3

Wow, Courtney's Blog Memorial for Andon went over so well I think! I just finished looking at the last couple of posts and they touched my heart, just like all the others did. I never really dreamt that so many people, some people that we don't even know, would dedicate their posts to our precious little angel, Andon. It really helped us yesterday to keep checking back on Courtney's blog and seeing the new posts. They all brought tears to my eyes, but made us feel so close to Andon. I just KNOW that he was smiling down on us. His short life, only 34 weeks long, has shown us so much about how God wants us to love each other.

So many people have said how strong I am... and because I want this blog to be totally honest and really reflect me and my family and our faith and values, I want to tell you all... That I do not feel strong. I feel totally weak and helpless. But I also KNOW that that's okay, because when I am at my weakest that's when God can really work on me, when I am weak and don't feel like I can do anything myself, that's when I HAVE to rely on God the most. This is what He wants from us at all times. I'm not saying I like feeling this way or that I even know why or that I think any of this is fair. I'm just saying that I don't HAVE to have answers. I doubt I will ever know the reason that God wanted Andon back so soon... at least now while I am here on earth. I'm okay with that... My heart hurts and I WANT Andon here with us. I want all the firsts with him and my arms yearn to hold him. I'm human. I've never been scared to die or of going to Heaven, but now I'm just utterly excited about it. Brycen came home from the viewing and said, "Okay, well I'm ready to go to Heaven and be w/ Jesus and Andon.". I had to explain to him that we can't go until God says it is our time, BUT that He promises we WILL, as long as we accept Jesus in our hearts and know that he died on the cross for us. We WILL see Andon again, I will hold him. Not how I thought or how I want, but it's not about me. No matter how much I'd like it to be. This is not what I want at all, but it's how it is. Now, I just want to give all the glory to God. This is terrible and heartbreaking, BUT it's His plan. He did not promise us a life w/out hurting, He just promised He would be here to comfort us. I don't have to worry about Andon not choosing Jesus and Life, I have the PROMISE and KNOW that I WILL hold him again in Heaven.

Maybe I am rambling, but that's what is on my heart. Everyone's posts have been so sweet, and I want to be humble. I do believe in God with all my heart and I do believe this is His plan, BUT I am human. It is hard and it does hurt and I don't understand why and I am NOT strong. I just know that I don't have to be, God will be my strength.