Wow, Courtney's Blog Memorial for Andon went over so well I think! I just finished looking at the last couple of posts and they touched my heart, just like all the others did. I never really dreamt that so many people, some people that we don't even know, would dedicate their posts to our precious little angel, Andon. It really helped us yesterday to keep checking back on Courtney's blog and seeing the new posts. They all brought tears to my eyes, but made us feel so close to Andon. I just KNOW that he was smiling down on us. His short life, only 34 weeks long, has shown us so much about how God wants us to love each other.
So many people have said how strong I am... and because I want this blog to be totally honest and really reflect me and my family and our faith and values, I want to tell you all... That I do not feel strong. I feel totally weak and helpless. But I also KNOW that that's okay, because when I am at my weakest that's when God can really work on me, when I am weak and don't feel like I can do anything myself, that's when I HAVE to rely on God the most. This is what He wants from us at all times. I'm not saying I like feeling this way or that I even know why or that I think any of this is fair. I'm just saying that I don't HAVE to have answers. I doubt I will ever know the reason that God wanted Andon back so soon... at least now while I am here on earth. I'm okay with that... My heart hurts and I WANT Andon here with us. I want all the firsts with him and my arms yearn to hold him. I'm human. I've never been scared to die or of going to Heaven, but now I'm just utterly excited about it. Brycen came home from the viewing and said, "Okay, well I'm ready to go to Heaven and be w/ Jesus and Andon.". I had to explain to him that we can't go until God says it is our time, BUT that He promises we WILL, as long as we accept Jesus in our hearts and know that he died on the cross for us. We WILL see Andon again, I will hold him. Not how I thought or how I want, but it's not about me. No matter how much I'd like it to be. This is not what I want at all, but it's how it is. Now, I just want to give all the glory to God. This is terrible and heartbreaking, BUT it's His plan. He did not promise us a life w/out hurting, He just promised He would be here to comfort us. I don't have to worry about Andon not choosing Jesus and Life, I have the PROMISE and KNOW that I WILL hold him again in Heaven.
Maybe I am rambling, but that's what is on my heart. Everyone's posts have been so sweet, and I want to be humble. I do believe in God with all my heart and I do believe this is His plan, BUT I am human. It is hard and it does hurt and I don't understand why and I am NOT strong. I just know that I don't have to be, God will be my strength.
7 comments:
I just read the blog for the first time- I AM SOOOIO SORRY!! I missed yesterdays memorial but what a special way to honor him...
May you find strength and comfort in knowing others (some that dont even know you (me) care and are lifting you all up to the Lord. God Bless- <>< Amy
Chelsea, I just recently found you.. I"ve been praying for your family. We lost our fourth child, Seth, in October at the age of 6 1/2 months (complications of a congenital heart defect). One of the toughest things has been dealing with our now (just a week ago) 3 year old daughter's reactions. I continue to pray especially for you & Brycen!
Hugs to you!
You don't know me...but I was told about your story and loss through my sister-in-law. My name is Kali Lance and I live in Owensville, IN. I'm 27 yrs. old. I recently loss our 2nd baby, a little boy named Mason Wyatt, @ 33 weeks on Nov. 6th, 2008. He was 3 lbs. 13 oz. and 17 in. long. He had a head full of dark wavy hair and was perfect in every way. I had him @ The Women's Hospital in Newburgh. My doctor, Dr. Ramsey, and her staff made me feel more comfortable than I could have ever imgained in a time like this. You hear about things like this and never think in your wildest dreams ANYTHING like this could happen to you. Our loss of Mason was a complete shock because my pregnancy was going perfect and there was no warning signs. I always called him my little break dancer because I could feel him moving all over! Come to find out...he probably was break dancing because he was born w/his cord around his neck 2 times and had 2 knots in the cord...one of which tightened when he flipped and instantly cut off all blood flow to him. When I felt him not move for a few hours one day, I immediatly went to the hospital and they did an Ultrasound and found there was no heartbeat. My doctor said he was gone in an instant and no time could have saved him. We also have a little girl, Crystal Brooke, who is 3 1/2 yrs. old. I can't say I know exactly what you are going through because everbody's journey through life is different, but I can say I have been there and felt many of the same feelings you are having. The hardest part for me was trying to explain to Crystal why her baby brother wasn't coming home and why he lives w/Jesus. I thought I had felt heartbreak before, but nothing compared to the innocent questions Crystal would ask and me not have the answers. We held Mason and let Crystal hold him because she had looked forward to that day when she got to meet her baby brother and I was not going to deny her that. Everyday you have to know that you are strong and that God is making you stronger and if you ever need reassurance of that just look @ your little boy, Brycen. I thank God everyday for Crystal because without her, I don't know how I would get through every day. The look on her face and the smile she had when she 1st got to see Mason is stamped on my heart and that is a moment I will never forget. That moment is what tells me that Mason is ok and just fine and I have to be strong not only for me and my family but for Crystal. With time, the days have got easier and it may sound silly, but every night we (My husband, Crystal, & I) have a "Mason Star" that we wave to, blow kisses, and say I love you to and I think it has helped Crystal to understand where her baby brother is. My husband, family, & friends have been amazing too and are there anytime I need a shoulder to cry on or just to listen while I talk. I'd love to be able to email you and share our stories. My email address is kalkal1@hotmail.com
I'm so sorry for your loss and know that your little boy IS watching down you and your family. I know him and Mason along with God are having fun and playing and watching over us every second of every day.
:-) Kali
I am keeping you and your family in my prayers. I praise God for being such a comforter! He knows exactly where you are and how to bring you what you need when you need it!
It's ok to feel the way you are Chelsa! Not one of us would doubt your love & dedication to our Savior! You are an inpiration to me, and someone I look up to for strength with every day trials! Keep remembering that He is right next to you holding you right now!! The song that keeps coming to my head is "Praise You through this Storm" by Casting Crowns. It's helped me through some rough times!
You are in our thoughts and prayers!
I was just reading in a devotional today and it reminds me of you.
"It's all right to be human" (Your weakness and woundedness are the openings through which the Light of the knowledge of God's glory shines forth. His strength and power show themselves most effective in your weakness.)
Deuteronomy 31:6; 2 Corinthians 4:6-7; 2 Corinthians 12:9.
Praying for you always!
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