Words Cannot Express

Hello- This is Chelsa. Words cannot ever express how truely grateful I am to you all. People I do not even know have shown me God's love and mercies, not just to me, but to our entire family. Bear with me b/c I've sort of lost track of days/times/etc. Wednesday morning my labs came back better than before. I didn't have to be given any more bloods/plasma/platelets yesterday which was a relief. It was my first time out of bed and I had to travel to radiology here at Deaconess in a wheel chair- through a 1/2 mile tunnel. Not exactly what I was expecting to do on my first time out of bed, but my lungs were looking like they had some fluid in them and they wanted to be able to get a better film. I made it back to our room, that was emotional, going by the nursery and knowing our precious baby wasn't in there... even though Heaven is much more fun for him then the nursery anyway. When we got back to my room John & Sonya were here with B. That was a bright spot in my day/week. I was so groggy on Tues. evening I only remember bits and pieces. Seeing my little boy- who has always been my sunshine just gave me such a bright spot. It soon ended... on Tuesday evening we, mostly Ryan explained to Brycen that Baby Andon was in Heaven with Jesus, then he got to hold him, and kiss him, and be a big brother for a couple hours... He has been staying w/ John & Sonya and doing pretty good, but when Sonya told him they were coming yesterday he told her he was so excited to see HIS baby... We had everyone leave and we spoke w/ him ourselves (just ryan and i) and that was the hardest thing I've ever done. Losing Andon has been and will always continue to be horrible, but I can explain things to myself and lean on the Lord, but trying to make a four year old understand... Words cannot explain how tough this was. He kept saying that we were teasing him and that he wanted to see his baby... We finally explained it to him like how our dog had 8 puppies and 3 of them died... we got to hold them too, but they were still gone. He was very upset of course and cried and cried and then he got very angry. We did our best to reassure him that ANY thing he feels is okay. I know it will be a day by day sometimes hour by hour process for all of us. I have been having lots of stomach pain- I won't go into details b/c it's kinda gross, but my evening was kind of rough again. My labs keep coming back better and better though. All my kidney & liver functions are improving which is great. I have seen specialists for both & we feel that we're in the best care we could ask for. My OB has been wonderful and I couldn't ask for a better more caring docter. She has literally spent hours in my room. I didn't realize until yesterday how close I was to not making it. I am so thankful that wasn't God's will b/c brycen and ryan need me. No matter how good Heaven and Andon sound right now, I know that someday we will all be together again. This is a long update & I'm probably all over the place and forgetting all kinds of stuff, but I just wanted to let you all know how appreciative we are. Please send up a prayer for Ryan too, not only is he here dealing w/ his own grief and trying to take care of me he is sick w/sinus/cough etc. They've been pumping him full of medicine, but it doesn't seem to be helping a whole lot. We were able to take pictures of baby Andon & he just looks like he is sleeping! He was pretty big for only being born at 34 weeks! He had a head full of dark hair and I think he looks like his daddy. Still no word on when I can come home so that puts us at a stop on any further arrangements. I'll try to stay better updated now that I'm feeling more alive. They might let me have pudding today. If you have text me or emailed me I'm so sorry but I haven't even gotten to those yet. I promise all your thank yous will come, but I just don't know when. Keep praying we need it.