headache.

I have a headache. Brycen has bronchitis :(. Ryan is going fishing. I have a headache.
Ok, so I'm rambling. I have so much to say, but don't even know where to start, b/c I'm not sure what's even all going on in my head! Last Thursday Brycen started doing bad w/ his asthma, which didn't really surprise me. His is made worse a lot of the times by weather and spring is here, so pollen and other such things induce his and make our breathing treatments more frequent. Not a problem. I'm used to this. Well, over the weekend it only got worse. Not used to that. Monday I decided I better take him to the dr. Diagonosis: Bronchitis :(. No wonder my little guy was feeling bad and needing more breathing treatments than normal. I'm glad I took him- he rarely goes to the dr. b/c I'm one of those parents who just lets him "get over it" on his own, which has actually been good b/c he rarely gets very sick. I felt kind of bad this time for holding out and just thinking it was asthma stuff, but that's really how it first started and presented itself! Anyway- it's really not getting much better, I'm a little worried about him. He is now actually coughing some "junk" up, which I know is good, but he gets choked and it freaks him out (this started last night) and so I feel terrible for him! Sooo it's been a long week with just that going on. Sunday we went up to see my Papaw and say I love you and stuff (he's still holding on, but not good at all, now he's hardly even drinking b/c he gets choked). Brycen could barely get out "love you" to Papaw and then he started bawling and hiding his face. I think it's just a lot for him. My heart is breaking for him still. Last night at small group he kept saying "tell them to pray for my papaw richard". Honestly, I just want to cry. I want to say, "God I've had enough, I can't take anything else right now". It's one thing for me to be heart broken, but to see my precious baby boy be heart broken, I just can't take it!! And who better to understand than God? He gave up his only Son for US. FOR ME. I know he "gets it", I know he knows my heart is breaking. I can't make sense of things, my head is a swirl of thoughts CONSTANTLY, my brain does not rest, which is causing dreams all night long, (well the every 3 hours of breathing treatments and no good rest for the past week isn't helping either) and did I mention I have a headache? I know this post doesn't even make sense... Maybe after I type it all out I'll have some clarity. Sometimes it works that way for me. I have to "see it on paper". I'm not mad at God for any of this. People keep asking me if I'm mad. Do I seem mad?? Because, I'm not one bit mad. Am I upset? Yes. Am I sad? Yes. Am I heartbroken? Yes. Confused? Yes. Worried? Yes (yah i know it's a sin to worry-cut me some slack people). Do I understand all the whys? No. But am I mad? NO. I have nothing to be mad about. Plus, being mad takes too much energy, and I just don't have that kind of energy right now! I can honestly say that if it was only myself I had to worry about I'd be okay. I could handle that. I'm a big girl, I can lean on God and be okay. BUT- I absolutly cannot stand and watch my baby boy have a broken heart. It's killing me!

Okay, so don't get me wrong, most of the time I go through my day/week and I seem "normal". I'm not having meltdowns every day. I don't even cry every day. I'm not depressed. Then I even wonder if that's normal? Shouldn't I be depressed? Shouldn't I cry every day? See, the thing is, I just can't. I have HOPE. Since it's the week of Easter and all I've really been thinking about this. Easter is about LIVING. I have all this going on, and yah, it feels kind of overwhelming at the moment, but I have to stop- and gain some perspective. This life, it's not about me, it's not even about Brycen. It's about God and what His son did on the cross for us. I don't have to make sense of things. What I need to do is bring Glory to God. No matter what situation, no matter what I'm going through, I need to give it to Him. I'm face down, on my knees begging God to help Ryan and I be able to guide B through this rough time in his life and still come out knowing it's okay, God is good. I am so so so thankful that the little man loves Jesus with his whole heart. This morning he was coughing and his eyes were watering and red (allergies) and he said, "please mommy tell God to make it not hurt". That's what I need to remember, to take it to Him first! He didn't ask ME to make it better, he didn't think he could make it better himself, the first thing he thought of was ASKING GOD. Wow, how is it that my four year old is always teaching ME lessons? See, I'm overwhelmed right now, but it just hit me, I'm TELLING God I'm overwhelmed and asking Him to be w/ me, but only after I cry and think what can "I" do to make things better. I need to go to Him FIRST.

I know this post is all over the place. I hadn't posted in awhile, just couldn't make myself. Don't want to sound nutty (which I'm probably accomplishing through this post anyway!). But today I felt compelled. No matter what we're going through, no matter how "overwhelming" it seems, take it to God first. We can't solve our own problems, actually most of the time we make a bigger mess of things trying to do that. Take it to Him. Tell Him you need Him. Seek Him. There is nothing He doesn't understand. I know He is hurting for me right now. I believe that with my whole heart. So, I'm taking my feelings of being overwhelmed to Him. I'm leaving them at the foot of that cross and I'm being thankful for Life.

Tomorrow is Good Friday. I don't want this stress around. I want to LIVE and be free of it. I read a quote that Andrea Boes had said the other day "live each day like it's the best day to be alive" or something to that affect. That's what I'm doing. I know I'm not the only one who tries to solve their or their kids own problems... so I'm challenging each of you to Give it to HIM.

I want each of you to know today how thankful I am for all of you. I know God has brought us together for a special reason. Whether I know you in "real life" or not I am so thankful for you and I love you.

Romans 15:13- May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

This verse says it all. God fills us w/ JOY and PEACE if we TRUST Him. Then we will have HOPE! Doesn't that just make your heart smile? I know it does mine!

You know what? My headache is gone :)