I really don't have much to say or anything to update. This week has mostly just been spent with our family. Tuesday evening Ryan brought his parents camper down to my parents house so that some of our family that was flying in could stay in it. My dad and Ryan got that all set up. People have been bringing over food to my parents like crazy so we stayed for dinner. Two of my grandpa's brothers, Dan & Bill and their wives got in that evening and we visited with them. It was a late night and I was exhausted when we got home, but couldn't sleep, I stayed up and did laundry. Brycen loves having Uncle Dan here. He is one of his favorite people! You might recall a lot of posts last summer/fall about Uncle Dan and Aunt Barb. They always come to stay for a few months and Brycen gets really attached to them. I feel so lucky that even though they live so far away we still get to be so close with them. We actually see them a lot more than we see some of our family that lives close by. Anyway... off the subject--go figure, that seems to happen a lot with me. haha.
Yesterday, Wednesday, my day off, and a favorite day of the week, (who doesn't like days off)... B went to pre-school in the morning (they learned about Noah's ark as a math lesson and made a really great foam ark with Noah and the animals, I'll have to get a picture!). He was really proud and you should of heard him talking about it. He did voices for God & Noah and their conversation about the ark. TOO CUTE! I love how he is such a little sponge and just soaks it all up. I wish my brain worked that well! ha! While he was at pre-school I went and got my hair highlighted. It had been quite awhile and was looking pretty bad... I had been dreading going to get it done though. Besides being with people I know I'm not that fond of being in public anymore or running into people I haven't seen in awhile. It's inevitable that something about Andon will come up. I think it's sweet that people care, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I just want to go get my hair done, or get to the store, and be "normal". It's probably my imagination, but it seems like people stare at me. I was talking to a friend here at work the other day and telling her about it, I said it's like, "hey lets stare at the girl whose baby died". She put in much nicer and said people are just curious and probably are wondering whether they should say something or not. Anyway, I got my highlights and my sweet beautician who has done my hair all my life had gotten a little gift for me (a new really yummy smelling candle!). Then I felt bad about being anxious about going... I hope I don't seem like I have a chip on my shoulder- I don't. I just get nervous about what to say or how to react to certain situations. I was at a yard sale and someone asked if Brycen was my only child- now I knew eventually this would happen, but I wasn't ready for it. I froze, I had tears forming, and I just nodded. I didn't/couldn't go into the whole deal that day. Then afterward I felt terrible, like I was ignorning Andon or something. Ridiculous I know, because we all know that I love that little boy sooo much and ache for him every day.
Ok... off the subject again, oops! After getting my hair done I picked up B and we went home and cleaned some. Then we took a nap- I meant to just put him down for a nap, but I fell asleep. We both must of needed it because we slept for 2 and 1/2 hours. When Ryan got home we got ready and went back over to my parents to have supper and visit with the family some more. My grandpa isn't responsive anymore to our voices, and his respirations last night were super low. I don't know that I can see him anymore. The last time I talked to him I told him I love you and he said it back. It's too hard to see him this way, when he doesn't respond, can't even acknowledge your prescence. It's so hard. Every time my phone rings I'm afraid it is "the call". I want to stay home from work and be with my family, but I'm afraid it would get me too down. It's easier to come to work and focus on other peoples problems and deal with them. Last night was another late night getting home from visiting. My mom was helping with my grandpa so I finished up stuff around the house for her, like cleaning the kitchen from supper, making a new pitcher of tea, etc... I know she has her hands full right now with all the family being in and so I just want to help how I can.
I don't know how this is possible, but I just seem to feel like my heart gets fuller every day with love for Brycen. He really just keeps me going. I don't have the time to be depressed b/c him and his funny business just keep me rolling in laughter- even amidst my tears.
Tonight will be more of the same, spending time with my dear family. My heart hurts for them, I know they are each hurting and handeling this in their own way. My dad, I know this is hard on him, he isn't one to show emotion though, but it is his dad, and they've always been so close.
Also, my cousin Todd and his wife Kayla, that lost the twins and are now expecting again, things are going good for them so far. They had an appointment w/ the perinatologist (sp?) on Tuesday and her cerclage is scheduled for this coming Tuesday (the 21st). Please pray for that to go smooth and to have an uneventful 27 more weeks of pregnancy! I am making them supper Tuesday evening for when they get home (it makes me nervous they aren't keeping her over night!). It feels nice to be needed, instead of being the one depending on others.
5 comments:
I am praying for your family. I can remember when my grandpa was really sick in the hospital and how hard and exhausting it was on my family. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes because it reminded me of that and how much I miss my grandpa daily. I just really hate that you have had to have such a rough year so far. I don't think it seems fair for you to have to go through all this, but on the other hand you are very blessed. Like you said, you have Brycen to keep you going. He is such a blessing to you. And you, yourself are a blessing to your family and sooo many others! I hope things get better for you :) Hang in there -- can't wait to see pics of your new hair and Brycen's ark that he made at school. It is amazing to me how much he knows and loves God at such a young age! He is precious!
I'm praying for your family as well Chelsa!
I think your friend was right, people just don't know if they should say something or not. They are sort of in the same boat and feel awkward about saying something. I hope and pray it will get easier to talk about Andon with time. I cannot even imagine what you're going through.
But I will tell you I had met a lady once and her son was Hunter's age. We were just talking about life in general and I asked her if he was her only son. She answered, "Well, I have two angels in heaven". It really through me off guard, and I felt really awful for even asking her! But, in reality I didn't have a clue. She still had tear-filled eyes talking about her sweet babies, and it had been over a year since she lost her twins. I went home and just bawled my eyes out b/c I felt so horrible for even asking her. God will heal your heart, I just know it!
bless your heart. I remember that....I always remember feeling guilty for just being around my extended family and people that I knew but wasn't that close too. they felt the need to bring it up, tell me they are sorry for all of it, and I could talk about it without tearing up or getting all emotional. Mac was my kid and be him on earth or in heaven, I was proud of him. But I could tell that everyone else would just tense up when they saw me.
I remember being very territorial and determined to keep his memory alive and would always tell people that I have 2 kids, one here and one in heaven. Eventually, I had moved past my grief and didn't if people who barely knew me or my family thought about him. So I eventually just stopped bringing it up because I always walked away more annoyed by having to explain the situation and hearing them say "Yeah, I had a miscarriage once...I know how you feel" Ummm, sorry dude, a miscarriage at 7 weeks is sad but I bet you didn't have to figure out what to do with your babies closet full of clothes.
Sorry, I ramble on that subject!
((big hugs)) I think it's wonderful that even though not all of your family lives close that they have come together during this time. I'm sure it means the world to your papaw. I'm praying extra prayers for your dad.
I can understand how you must feel when people approach you about Andon. I think it will get better as time goes on. ?? I'm so happy you have Brycen to keep smiling and laughing during these tough times.
Chelsa I have told you this before but I know it is going to be hard for a while. That is why I pray for you so much! I think that is normal when a child/grandfather/sister/etc. go to heaven. I remember when my sister went to heaven. I did not want to talk about it, it seemed like everyone was asking me about the accident (which I knew they were just thinking about me), and I just didn't know how to cope. It took me a while but it did get better. Never the same. But I can now talk about Lindsey....I actually want to talk about her! I don't want anyone to forget I have a sister! That's why my heart aches for you Chelsa. Stay strong!! Think about what is best for you and your family.
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